2019-01-17 Now it’s Really Real

It’s not just real now people, things are getting really real! “Really real” is like real but with an epiphany exclamation point that might knock you back if you are not careful. It’s 8 days until my move and yesterday I brought a car load of personal stuff including my kitten and all the extra stores of her food and litter. As I scoppeed her up in my arms for what was going to be the last time I drive her from house to house, it hit me. It really is the LAST time. That’s really real.

I also brought all the files and papers and unopened mail from my office as well as some personal keepsakes I sorted through last week. Those items that should be in close proximity because of a more immediate need or those keepsakes which serve no purpose yet represent pieces of my history that are near and dear to my heart make the move seem like a wheel in motion which can no longer be stopped. There is no going back now.

I mean, sure, I could change my mind but there’s no reason to do that. I’ve been confident about this direction since before the subject of moving in ever came up for the first time. Still, the gravity of giving up my house, my sanctuary and safe space that I’ve been the sole master of for 9+ years now is heavy.

The benefits outweigh the sacrifice by a long shot but it is still worth acknowledgement. When I separated from my former ex-husband 10 years ago and moved out and got my own place, it was the first time in my life I had been the only adult “in charge”.

Rewind quite a bit back to 1993. I was 19 and still living with my parents and going to the local community college. I went straight from that situation to being married and moving to an apartment outside of Nellis AFB in Las Vegas. It was not Until I got divorced in 2010 that I had a place to call my own where I alone called the shots.

As far as home ownership and maintenance, I was not green to what was required. I was always the one who took care of most things. I mowed the lawn and changed lightbulbs and furnace filters. If there was something that was outside the scope of my ability, I found someone and had it taken care of. This makes my ex sound lazy. He was. (He still is because my kids tell me now they are the ones that do all the cleaning and mowing). Anyway, when I moved out I didn’t have any issues transitioning to my own place. And that’s how it’s been for 10 years.

Now I’m headed back into a situation where it is not only NOT my house, but someone else has been the sole proprietor. Over the past few months we’ve merely talked about the division of chores. The next step will be action. This is when we will really figure out who will do what and no matter how that turns out, it will mean less work for both of us. Maybe he’ll continue to do the laundry and I’ll do dishes and grocery shop? We’ll see.

Besides that though, the main thought in my head isn’t really about chores, but more about having my own personal space to retreat to. As I said, my home has been my sanctuary and I have to be able to continue to feel like I can do that here. I’m gonna have days when I want to ignore the whole world completely or be left alone for a weekend to do a deep dive into some topic, for school or just for personal need. Even with teenagers in my house, I could still do that for long stretches because they are self sufficient and often times also want to be alone too. Now we are going to have to navigate what that looks like with another adult and at times two more teenagers. Not impossible but potentially tricky. I guess time will tell on that too.

Jim has made every effort to make us feel at home already. He’s actually gone above and beyond in more ways than one and that helps. Actually living here, with the kids here too will certainly still feel strange for a while. We’ll have a new, earlier, morning routine and I’ll be doing more cooking here for them of course. Jim does most of the cooking here now, but the kichen dynamic at my house is fairly different and we already know we have different parenting styles and expectations for our kids. That might also be a challenge to “blend”.

Anyway, my “important” things are now here at the new house permanently and I managed to get through that yesterday without any major freak-out moments, so that is good.

I have been distracted by this move quite a bit lately and my preference each day has been to work on the sorting and packing. As a consequence, I’ve not put as many hours into work as I need to and so today is the day I have to beat down on that and try to put a full work day in. At least my kitten is here, to make me feel all warm and fuzzy by following me around the house and sleeping wherever I am. 🐱💕

Keeping it, really, really real,

~Miss SugarCookie

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