2019-02-01 Life on Hold

Sometimes, often times actually, I’m a broken record about how there is not enough time. Not enough time to get everything that needs doing done and not enough time to sleep. There’s not enough time in the day to support our relationships and families and work and workout and also do the things we like to do for ourselves. I used to really try to do it all. My friend Kelly said I was always trying to hard to be “super woman”. She was right, I did try too hard.

I had to cut things out just to get back my health. As I bounced back, and took a long hard look at things I went into deep contemplation about my current course and goals and what it means to live a fulfilling life. All that made me make some decisions about my future and what changes should be permanent.

I applied for grad school to get a degree toward a life goal and not a career goal. I opted to take a part-time job instead of full time and I committed to taking better care of my health. I made sleep and exercise a priority and I came to realize I had putting my job first and vowed that would not happen again.

My life has been so much better since then, but balance is still an issue. Time is still an issue and there’s still never enough. Now I find myself saying that I just want to slow things down. It’s all moving so fast and things are good, but there’s not enough time to enjoy it. That’s why I took a semester off of school. I put that on hold so I could focus on the move and sale of my house.

It’s still not enough though. The whole month of January is gone and yes, the move is over, but things are still not balanced and there are other things that I put on hold that I need to start again. At the turn of the year, I thought about goals for the year and things I wanted to focus on. That included doing Jazzercise again, regular reading and writing, and paying more attention to my creative endeavors. All that is still on pause.

The most I have done is participate in a new writing group on Thursdays which is just a few hours of time. One would think I can spare a few hours a week to hanging with some of my fellow MFAers to become inspired and write. I’ve attended two seasons so far and it’s been wonderful but then this week I couldn’t even keep that commitment.

I keep saying “this week things will slow down”, and then I spend the whole week feeling behind schedule on everything. I’m starting to think that it’s not life, just me. That I’m just not equipped with my super-woman powers anymore or that it’s all just in my head.

My mind is constantly thinking of everything I need to do. If I could somehow find the off switch on that, then I would not feel like I have to put one thing on hold in order to get through something else. Perhaps the real trick is to do what you want more and worry less about the consequences.

But how can I not worry about work, or feel like I’m sacrificing time with the kids or Jim in order to keep other commitments? How? I don’t want to have part of my life on hold? I want to do it all. How does one choose?

It’s a tricky pickle indeed and my thinking about it or writing about it hasn’t provided any clarity. It’s only sent me in a giant circle and I’m back where I started, which is that there’s just not enough time.

The evidence?.. This is the second time in a row I started writing on one day and had to cut short and not finish until the next. Nothing is exempt from this madness. Where’s Dr. Strange when I need him? Ha!

Until Next Time,

~Miss SugarCookie

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