2019-04-30 Farewell April, See You In My Dreams

Another month is coming to a close today and it’s already transforming into a phantom in the rear view. Another opportunity to begin again and another hourglass glued to the table. And what did I make of it? Did I make the most of what I was offered?

As I sat in the dry sauna at my gym this morning I could not help but think about the time, not so long ago, when Josh and I would have regular “sessions” at the gym, walking on the treadmills and around the pool and talking in the sauna. Now my life is completely different and I wonder if that was real or just a daydream from some parallel universe. It doesn’t feel like a thing that actually happened. And what about Barcelona? That was only like 3 weeks ago yet it’s quickly fading. Perhaps there is something wrong with my brain.

Something awry in my synaptic pathways and arches that is unable to retain connections. Just like the tendons in my elbow, they are just frayed twine that sometimes cause pain when I bend and flex. Yeah, if I use certain muscles I’m quickly reminded that it’s not a good idea. Does that mean I should just quit trying? With both issues, the answer is “I don’t know”.

I wrote a poem about it once.. the daydreams and memory loss, not the Tennis Elbow. It’s like some defense mechanism that was engaged and perfected early in my life to blur some terrible experiences and now it’s broken and out of control. My brain can’t distinguish the good from the bad and so everything goes fuzzy after a while. It all turns into a daydream. Is that just me I wonder?

One of the mentors in my MFA program, JP, says as writers we typically return to a small number of topics or central themes again and again. The things we choose to write about ARE us. We cycle through those things because it’s is what we know and also what we are trying to sort through. We are encouraged to engage with those things, to use them as an energy source that help us fuel the light we are shining on truth with our words,

It’s a safe group to interact with and that allows those topics to surface and be known. I’ve heard stories from people that I know were born out of the trauma in their lives and there have been some pretty deep and gut-wrenching events I’ve now been witness to. With that, my insecurities start to fester and grow. What have I to offer? What truth can I possibly contribute that might be worthy of reading? Daydreams? Really?!

Still, I write because it is who I am. There are words inside of me begging to be set free regardless of their origins. Perhaps at some point my light will shine bright enough to cut through the haze of ny daydreams and reveal something more.

For today I’m content to just look back at 29 days of April and feel grateful for how full and wonderful my life is. And then look forward to the month of May and all the great things that we have planned. All I can really do with that hourglass is make the most of every moment.

Next Stop.. May Day,

~Miss SugarCookie

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