Spoiler alert.. this IS going to be a wild ride of a rant that has zero organization and no silver-lining conclusion. My thoughts are all over the map this morning and I’ve already given up and given in to the foul downward spiral of a mood. And yeah, I’ve got an angry-girl playlist to support walking and writing through it. The playlist is called “Winter Jamz” and it includes selections from the Silversun Pickups, The Pretty Reckless, Zayde Wolf, and Linkin Park among others.
“One, two, three, four, the devil’s knocking at your door…”
It all started at about 4:50am when I first heard the cats scratching somewhere in the room. By 5:25 I gave up trying to sleep and tried to get them out of the room so Jim might be able to have more time to sleep. What is it about cats that makes them sleep so much but wake up so early?!! Now that we have one more it’s tripple trouble. 🐱🐱🐱 But this is nothing new, it’s just the gateway to waking up too early and giving the thoughts in my head too much quiet space to grow.
At 5:30am there is nothing else to do but think about stuff, which turns into worrying about stuff, which turns into freaking out about stuff. By 7am, I’m looking out the window at the rain and birds on the bird-feeder and thinking that there is seriously something wrong with me. My life is “perfect” so what the hell am I freaking out about???!!!!
It’s now less than 6 months until my “wedding” and I don’t want to get married. I’m afraid and I’ve been thinking about this a lot and can’t bring myself to talk with Jim about it. Why oh why would i not want to get married?? Is it our relationship, of something about the kids, or this giant house? Is it all just too much? Is it that I’ve given up my independence and traded that for the “housewife-life”? Am I afraid of being too dependent on another person? What if I want out someday? Why would I want out? Jim is great. He’s supportive and loving and hard working and kind and thoughtful. I love him and he loves me so what’s the problem? You see why I would think there is something wrong with me!!
That’s the heavy hitter in my brain, but it’s not alone. I’m dealing with other issues too. My ex-husband got fired (again) and now my kids don’t have health insurance (again) and this time I’m not employed either so I can’t just pick up and cover it like I have the last three times. That’s right, three times! In the 10 years post our divorce he’s been fired like 4 times and has been out of a job for more than he has been employed. I was always a rock of stability in our 17 year marriage. I worked at a hospital for most of my career and supported him through school and different career choices. At one point he had a really good gig as a pharmaceutical sales rep but that all fell apart after our divorce and he’s never really bounced back. Now he’s out of work again and I’m left holding that “self-pay” bag at Children’s Hospital where my son gets his check ups for his thyroid condition.
This month marks the 1 year anniversary of his diagnosis of “Hashimoto’s” and we have to see an endocrinologist every 6 months to check his thyroid levels as well as his progress on the growth charts (because he also has delayed onset of puberty). That was the original reason for getting him checked out, and as it turns out, his bone age is 2 years younger than his actual age which sounds strange but it’s a thing. If it wasn’t for that, we would never have discovered the thyroid disorder. It’s a common condition (albeit not typically found in teenage boys). Anyway, it just means regular visits to the clinic at Children’s which will no longer be covered by insurance. This brings me right back to my original line of thought… my having given up my job and my insurance and my house and my independence.
I’m also starting to freak out about residency and all the social situations and the fact that I don’t feel prepared. I had all day yesterday to work on stuff and yet I didn’t make any progress. I got as far as responding to a few emails and downloading the schedule. Why? Why is it that I had a whole damn day and chose to do other things?
I ran errands.. grocery shopping and to the bank and the gas-station and took my daughter to get fast food. We ended up driving around village point for like an hour so she (we) could hit all the poke-stops and collect the Pokémon. Back at home I made my son something to eat and opened and sorted mail and cleaned all the litter boxes. Is this who I am now? Is this my life now.. running errands and constantly cleaning the house?
Every time I pick an empty soda can out of the trash to put it in the recycle bin or walk into a bathroom that has an empty TP roll I want to scream. Can no one else besides me be responsible? I have very little authority when it comes to making someone else’s kids follow rules and so I’m just supposed to suck it up I guess. I can speak with my own kids about their messes and behavior but then that just doesn’t seem fair (plus my kids already follow the rules when it comes to most things). I get angry thinking about these details and then I feel bad for being upset. It’s just small stuff. Then I think.. I’m not doing what I should either.
Last night I should have done some reading or prep-work but wasted an hour watching some random, stupid movie on Netflix and then went to bed feeling guilty because of my choices. I guess all that led to a poor night’s sleep which started right back up again at 5:30 this morning.
I should be thinking about what I can do differently today to fix things, but I’m not. I’m dwelling in it. I should be saying “life is wonderful because today is another opportunity to do the right things”, but I’m not.
The best I can do right this minute is to get some cardio and maybe sort through it enough to feel a little better. Sometimes, it’s ok to be upset and some days it’s ok to not get anything done. As long as that’s not what happens EVERY day.
That’s it for today… enough is enough. The big question now is will I continue to pour the “Winter Jamz” into my soul or will I snap out of it and move along? We’ll see.
PS.. Today’s featured image is album art from the Silversun Pickups.