2020-06-06 Saturday’s Useless and Hopeless Wandering

Isn’t that title just uplifting?

Doesn’t it just make you want to read on?

No?

Ok. But I still gotta…

Probably I just want coffee. I’ve been up since maybe 6 and don’t like the fact that I can’t get through a full nights sleep without some sort of sleep aid. I can’t get through the day without some awake aid. I can’t help but question everything over and over.

I try giving myself a pep-talk about how I’m just doing the best that I can. And to hang in there. Then I immediately feel selfish because I want to be doing more and how can I even think about myself at a time like this? People are out there dying and getting hurt and arrested for trying to do something more for good reasons. Important causes. Justice.

But there is never justice. The world will never be a just place or a fair place. Does that mean a person should throw their hands in the air? Give up? No. But what then?

The universe help me I feel so hopeless. I can’t keep doing this. I’ve been trying to write to sort it all out and just end up in a tighter knot than when I started.

If experience has taught me anything, it’s that doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is kind of insanity. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. See the madness??!!


It’s the weekend. I’ve got work. I’ve got deadlines. I’ve got chores. I need a break. I need a vacation. A want to talk to people. I want to scream and cry. I’m so over everything. I’m so tired of the world being on fire.

Yesterday I took a break to do a poetry workshop. Another efffing zoom. The prompt was to write a poem about a horse. I wrote a poem about a horse. It was garbage.

Yesterday I took a break to spend the evening alone with my love. We had dinner together (leftovers) and then sat around and chatted until the sun got low in the sky. Then we got in the Jeep and went for a sunset cruise. We went out typical route, but made a stop out west at a turnoff that leads to a boat ramp on the Elkhorn River. Not too long ago that was all a massive flood. But that’s yesterday’s news. Those displaced farmers and ruined lives are yesterday’s news.

Then we got in the car and kept making our way west. As the sun got really low it was obscured by too many layers of clouds and there wasn’t much to see. We followed the westbound road as it curved north.

We drove through the downtown of Waterloo. We passed a bar that had outdoor seating. It was packed full, people shoulder to shoulder and back to back. No social distancing. No masks. It made me feel disturbed.

We ended up coming back into town on west maple. It was still before curfew, in the 9pm hour. We noted parking lots of eating and drinking establishments were quite full. Lots of people in line at drive through fast food joints. And a few people on the corner at 156th and maple standing with signs.

I wonder what the ratio of police to citizens is. I wonder if there is a heavier concentration of police downtown to enforce curfew there and if that leaves a deficiency out west. Would someone be around our west to ask those protestors to go home? To arrest them if they refuse.

How different would the pandemic be if we didn’t have such freedom and access to transportation? Such social habits?

How different would things be after George Floyd’s murder if social media and video and news that travels like lightning didn’t exist?

Is progress really progress?

I thought about watching the video. I just couldn’t do it. I felt kind of sick when I googled it and read an article on it by CNN. I feel kind of sick right now trying to write about it.

Two days ago I tried to. It came out as a daydream. That’s all I’m capable of.

I suppose that’s enough wandering around for one Saturday morning.

Hoping today brings more peace to the world than yesterday.

XOXO,
~Miss SugarCookie

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