I could do without insomnia for a while. I could do without my mind spinning endlessly on things I can’t do anything about. I could use a day all by myself, no responsibilities, no work, no chores. What’s that called? A vacation? Perhaps soon.
I could also do without rejection greeting me first thing in the morning when I check my email in-box. Yes, it’s true, I shrug. But what other choice do I have? Yes, it’s their loss I suppose. But after a while there’s just a wearing down that happens. A loss of confidence. Thoughts of throwing in the towel creep in. That’s depressing.
Especially considering I didn’t even think about trying to publish before my MFA. That was never the point so why hang my hat on it now? How did that become a goal.. because someone else said so? Words echo in my mind “welcome to the rejection business.” Yeah. I suppose.
My Monday didn’t start or end well. And Tuesday has not seen any improvement yet. Not sure what it will take. I want to crawl under a rock, but don’t have time for that. And now I’m just being overly dramatic and that’s useless too. Good grief.
Peeking in at social media in the last week and I see several instances of fellow MFAers posting about their degrees showing up in the mail. Seeing that, all I could think was that that should be me right now too, but I was selfish and didn’t want to graduate with a virtual residency. I wanted the in-person experience as before and as it has been in my mind for 2.5 years since I started. Was that selfish? Should I have just sucked it up and recorded myself giving a lecture and reading and called it good?
I lamented a little internally about that. Thought about the fact that deferring until winter res was just delaying the inevitable. The pandemic won’t be under control in December. Nothing really will have changed and I’ll end up finishing out online anyhow. I’ll feel cheated and there’s nothing I can do about that.
Then.. two days ago a package came for me from the university. Upon opening I was shocked to pull out my diploma. Wait?! Hold up!!?? What the???!!! Hmmmmm….
So apparently I graduated already. I kind of thought that final residency was a requirement of graduation. It is. But it’s apparently not. I mean, the book on my thesis was closed last May and I know I’ve crossed all the “T”s and dotted all the “I”s Up to this point. So leaving this final requirement unfinished feels so wrong.
That’s what Jenna meant when she said they trust me. I didn’t get that until I opened that envelope. So what about this next res— the one I’m supposed to lecture at? It certainly does not leave me with a lot of motivation.
If I already have my degree, then who gives a fuck about doing well? I’ve got my 4.0 and that’s not going to change. I could get up and talk for 40 minutes about nonsense and nobody can say boo to me about it. And the pomp and circumstance of the reading and the graduation ceremony is minimized too. Again, who cares? (Of course I do, of course).
Probably I’m looking at all this with Monday colored glasses. I just need to snap out of this shiz. But how.
I need to snag a play from my friend Tre’s playbook and enjoy the small things that are aligned with my true north goals. I might start, as she said in her latest blog post, with a dose of gratitude.
I started walking/writing late this morning because of the rough night sleep and need to wrap now, but I think I may cut here and continue writing— in my mind—a list of things I’m grateful for.
I hope I can turn the shade of Monday I’m living today into something rosier.