2017-05-01 Quite the Day Indeed

Yesterday was emotionally draining. To be fair, the last week and a half has been emotionally draining, so yesterday sort of feels like the crescendo to all of that. I really could not take being stuck in a holding pattern at the precipice of unraveling any longer. I had to take a step. That step was me asking a tough question while knowing the answer would be upsetting. I did it anyway.

Matt and I met at 6PM last evening and sat in my car and talked for about 2 hours. Some of it was just all about work and how things are going in our now separate lives, but as it was intended, we did a deeper dive into our relationship and the end of “us”. It was tough, but good.

I learned how his new relationship came to be. I got more insight into his thought process about where he is at with his life right now. He talked more about how he was feeling than he did the entire last year and though it was hard to hear, it felt good to be hearing it. To hear him acknowledge his own inability to make a decision was validating.

I also went down that road a little bit. I admitted to my own faults of not knowing what I wanted. I let go off things I had been holding inside of me that I wanted to say. I said I was sorry for the way things unfolded and I didn’t hold back in letting him know I still miss him and think sometimes that if circumstances were different, we would have been right for each other. I cried and we hugged.

I cried and he cried and we held hands and we hugged. It was like two people needing a person to talk to and the only person who could really listen and understand was the person who was their best friend for five years. We were connected in that moment and something about it just felt natural.

Going into the conversation, I was fully prepared to tell him that it was too hard for me when he texted and that he needed to stop. But the truth is that it is not hard. The hard part came when thinking about the fact he was with someone else. It’s all connected of course, but I concluded that it was more important for me to continue to be at the other end of that “ping” for him than to tell him not to ping at all. We talked about the fact that talking to your ex is unorthodox, but I reminded him that I’m a rule breaker (even if I’m not really).

He wants to talk again soon and mentioned lunch or dinner this week. I was a little shocked to hear that he wanted to meet again so soon, but I think perhaps the two hour conversation was not enough and he had more to say. Or perhaps he just wanted to have more of a normal chat session that was not so heavy. Either way, I told him I was OK with that and then let him know what days I was going to be available for lunch.

I don’t want to fall back into a bad patterns of having hope, so I am just going to be open to whatever happens, and not have any expectations.

In the mean time, I’ve got to go face the music at work. There is much accounting of time and effort to be done and probably more challenging conversations about what is to come. I admitted to Matt last night I was dreading going into the office today. I just have a half day and I can get through that and make it to Cooper’s MDT meeting at the middle school at 1. After that, I have the rest of the afternoon off to do with what I please.

All In Good Time,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-04-30 Closure Conversation?

I’ve been saying all along, at every turn, that I need closure but that I may never have it. I may never have that conversation. I may never get the chance to say all the things I wanted to say AFTER it was all over. All the things I’ve ever said were things I wanted to say to try and keep going, with hope in mind. Always. I guess a part of me was still in denial, even after learning he had started dating someone else. Now here I am about to meet him to talk and my heart is pounding and I don’t know what to expect.

Will this be the conversation I’ve been wanting. Will I have my say and finally hear him say some things too? I don’t want to get my hopes up for anything, but I sort of can’t help it.

We are meeting at 6PM at a park, because I said I didn’t want to meet in a public place. I know myself well enough to know I will lose my composure. We are meeting at the same part we met back in October where I tried to convince him to come back to me. That seems like a lifetime ago now. It’s that conversation where I gave him my ring.

At that time I did my best to say everything I wanted to say given the context I was aware of. The thing I was not aware of, is that he had already started seeing someone else. Now that I know that, I’m thinking of things in a whole new light. Still, I don’t regret doing that. And I will not regret anything I say to him today either.

Like John says, “Say what you need to say”,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-04-30 It’s All Just Rotten

I probably wrote a couple of weeks ago that Matt had texted me a couple of times. And then we had a phone call on random Tuesday night. The next day is when I wrote “Waking Up Wednesday Wondering Why”. I don’t have to wonder more, now. Because now I’ve narrowed it down. Matt wants to talk to me because he wants to live in a world where we can be friends and there are no hard feelings.

Well guess what?! There ARE hard feelings. And life is hard. And being an adult is hard. And sometimes you just have to face that and realize that you can’t change or control it. Then you have no choice but to let it go. For me, that’s been a struggle. It has been a struggle I can’t even begin to describe. Never in my life have I felt so low or emotionally out of control or beyond words. Never.

He texted me again today and apparently just got back from Zion. I asked him if he went with someone and he avoided the question by saying “Yes a group of 8”. I asked again, “but more specifically with someone you are dating”. He said yes. Then I followed that up by asking if it was Lindsey, the girl I found out he started to date last year, which he did not know I knew about. He said yes. So he has been dating the same girl for the past 7 months include the entire time I was in train wreck mode and trying to “give him space” and hoping he would come back to me. Rotten.

I asked the questions knowing I was not prepared for the answers. Someone once told me don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, and I guess I thought if he was going to continue to contact me, I would have to know the answers, whether I was ready for them or not. It turns out, I wasn’t ready. I’m fucking sick to my stomach right now. Really.

He called me on the phone after I responded to his last text with “I wish I would have known before”. At that time, I was in the car with Zoey and we were on our way to the nail place to get our nails done and I said I could not talk and told him I would call him back later in the day. I broke down crying in the car and Z tried to comfort me. We went and did the nail thing anyway.

Now I’m back home and thinking all over again about everything. I’m looking back at the timing of all my journal entries wondering again “how did I get here?”. Less than a year ago he proposed to me. Now he’s been dating someone else for 7 months? How in the world does that make any sense? I’m so angry and sad and frustrated and confused all at once.

I did try to call him back when I got home but there was no answer. You have got to be kidding me. Really?

I think I am going to go to the gym and do some cardio. I have to get some of this emotion out somehow.

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-02-01 The Trapezoid

I’m stuck in a place where I feel like I can’t move on. I can’t sit still, yet I can’t move. It’s maddening.

I’ve got this logical brain, right? (it’s rhetorical but the answer is yes). Sometimes I see life like a flowchart on a piece of paper. You’re on a path and each time you come to a rectangle, you just do what it says. When you come to a diamond in the road, it has one simple question associated which has a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer. The question has to be simple. It’s already been broken down into the lowest denominator. You just have to decide. If it’s “Yes” then you keep going straight. If it’s “No” then you have to take a left. Then you move on and do what the next rectangle says.

You continue along the path like this. Each time you happen upon a diamond, you stop, decide, and move on in the appropriate direction. Eventually, you will get where you are meant to go. That’s logical.

Yet here I am at this fucked up shape. What is it.. a trapezoid? It’s not a decision. It’s not an action. Is it a process that needs to happen? Am I waiting for more inputs? Who’s the data entry person? How long do I wait? If I don’t get what I need am I supposed to skip this step? Is there some threshold or overflow condition that can get me off this step? I’m confused and it just doesn’t make sense. It’s not logical.

I told my friend at dinner I need to have a conversation with Matt and he told me I don’t. I told him I think I need some closure and he said I don’t. He said I can choose to just let it go and move on. And then he asked me, “do you want to move on?”.

This question kind of blew my mind a little bit. It was so simple.

Then I started thinking.. Can this be right? Is this really a diamond? Have my eyes been so blurry from all the tears that I thought what I was dealing with was was a trapezoid when all along it was a diamond? I’m trying to focus on it now… I’m trying hard to see it…and it IS a diamond.

And the answer is “Yes”. It’s a simple, glorious, undeniable “YES”. So now I can move again. I get to keep going straight and do whatever comes next. It’s feels like such a relief.

Now.. I sure as hell hope I don’t run into any real trapezoids. That would be seriously rotten.