2017-04-30 It’s All Just Rotten

I probably wrote a couple of weeks ago that Matt had texted me a couple of times. And then we had a phone call on random Tuesday night. The next day is when I wrote “Waking Up Wednesday Wondering Why”. I don’t have to wonder more, now. Because now I’ve narrowed it down. Matt wants to talk to me because he wants to live in a world where we can be friends and there are no hard feelings.

Well guess what?! There ARE hard feelings. And life is hard. And being an adult is hard. And sometimes you just have to face that and realize that you can’t change or control it. Then you have no choice but to let it go. For me, that’s been a struggle. It has been a struggle I can’t even begin to describe. Never in my life have I felt so low or emotionally out of control or beyond words. Never.

He texted me again today and apparently just got back from Zion. I asked him if he went with someone and he avoided the question by saying “Yes a group of 8”. I asked again, “but more specifically with someone you are dating”. He said yes. Then I followed that up by asking if it was Lindsey, the girl I found out he started to date last year, which he did not know I knew about. He said yes. So he has been dating the same girl for the past 7 months include the entire time I was in train wreck mode and trying to “give him space” and hoping he would come back to me. Rotten.

I asked the questions knowing I was not prepared for the answers. Someone once told me don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, and I guess I thought if he was going to continue to contact me, I would have to know the answers, whether I was ready for them or not. It turns out, I wasn’t ready. I’m fucking sick to my stomach right now. Really.

He called me on the phone after I responded to his last text with “I wish I would have known before”. At that time, I was in the car with Zoey and we were on our way to the nail place to get our nails done and I said I could not talk and told him I would call him back later in the day. I broke down crying in the car and Z tried to comfort me. We went and did the nail thing anyway.

Now I’m back home and thinking all over again about everything. I’m looking back at the timing of all my journal entries wondering again “how did I get here?”. Less than a year ago he proposed to me. Now he’s been dating someone else for 7 months? How in the world does that make any sense? I’m so angry and sad and frustrated and confused all at once.

I did try to call him back when I got home but there was no answer. You have got to be kidding me. Really?

I think I am going to go to the gym and do some cardio. I have to get some of this emotion out somehow.

~Miss SugarCookie

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