Yesterday was emotionally draining. To be fair, the last week and a half has been emotionally draining, so yesterday sort of feels like the crescendo to all of that. I really could not take being stuck in a holding pattern at the precipice of unraveling any longer. I had to take a step. That step was me asking a tough question while knowing the answer would be upsetting. I did it anyway.
Matt and I met at 6PM last evening and sat in my car and talked for about 2 hours. Some of it was just all about work and how things are going in our now separate lives, but as it was intended, we did a deeper dive into our relationship and the end of “us”. It was tough, but good.
I learned how his new relationship came to be. I got more insight into his thought process about where he is at with his life right now. He talked more about how he was feeling than he did the entire last year and though it was hard to hear, it felt good to be hearing it. To hear him acknowledge his own inability to make a decision was validating.
I also went down that road a little bit. I admitted to my own faults of not knowing what I wanted. I let go off things I had been holding inside of me that I wanted to say. I said I was sorry for the way things unfolded and I didn’t hold back in letting him know I still miss him and think sometimes that if circumstances were different, we would have been right for each other. I cried and we hugged.
I cried and he cried and we held hands and we hugged. It was like two people needing a person to talk to and the only person who could really listen and understand was the person who was their best friend for five years. We were connected in that moment and something about it just felt natural.
Going into the conversation, I was fully prepared to tell him that it was too hard for me when he texted and that he needed to stop. But the truth is that it is not hard. The hard part came when thinking about the fact he was with someone else. It’s all connected of course, but I concluded that it was more important for me to continue to be at the other end of that “ping” for him than to tell him not to ping at all. We talked about the fact that talking to your ex is unorthodox, but I reminded him that I’m a rule breaker (even if I’m not really).
He wants to talk again soon and mentioned lunch or dinner this week. I was a little shocked to hear that he wanted to meet again so soon, but I think perhaps the two hour conversation was not enough and he had more to say. Or perhaps he just wanted to have more of a normal chat session that was not so heavy. Either way, I told him I was OK with that and then let him know what days I was going to be available for lunch.
I don’t want to fall back into a bad patterns of having hope, so I am just going to be open to whatever happens, and not have any expectations.
In the mean time, I’ve got to go face the music at work. There is much accounting of time and effort to be done and probably more challenging conversations about what is to come. I admitted to Matt last night I was dreading going into the office today. I just have a half day and I can get through that and make it to Cooper’s MDT meeting at the middle school at 1. After that, I have the rest of the afternoon off to do with what I please.
All In Good Time,