2020-07-30 Thursday Status Update

According to my FitBit I’m supposed to be getting my period today. I mean, it’s not 8am, but it hasn’t happened yet. I put myself in a holding pattern waiting for that sweet release, which is typically followed by a leveling of my emotions— the amplitude of the wave hovers closer to the resting point.

I’ve learned to wait for it. I’ve learned that whatever it is that makes me want to scream or cry might be irrationally inflated by my hormones. It’s actually a lesson that I’ve tried to teach my kids as well. I mean, obviously my son doesn’t have a monthly cycle, but he does have teenage hormones which can wreck havoc on the emotions. I teach that we should try to be in tune with our bodies and recognize that we can be in control of our anger and sadness and yes, even excitement.

Practically speaking, this is one of those things that’s fairly easy to talk about and teach but a lot more difficult to do in practice. I still struggle. I always have to remind myself that whatever I’m feeling is influenced, at least a little, by my hormones. This is why I was waiting for another week before revisiting the question of whether or not I should quit my job. Just a few more days and I’ll be in tip-top condition to make a clear-headed decision.

Good Gawd, I make myself out like an irrational head-case. That’s really not how it is. I mean, it’s not a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing. It’s just my wanting to not make any big decision with just a snap.

Frankly there’s also a lot of variables factoring into this equation that are outside of my control and could change at any moment. For example, if my sons school decides that the students will not be meeting in person at the school for instruction then I would almost certainly need to quit my job in order to ensure that he’s successful this year.

Last spring was a complete disaster. There is just not enough time in the day for me to work the amount of hours that are required by my job and also maintain the household and successfully manage the schooling of the children. Flat out not possible.

Pile on all the side projects and other things I want to do with my life. Pile on the lit mag, my reading and writing, exercise, and just enjoying life. Feels like a no-brainer. Still I wait.

The flip side is my lingering need for a safety net, the satisfaction I get from contributing to a project, and being a part of a team. All positives. But do the positives outweigh my need to reclaim the time I spend on work each week?

This week has actually been a good test. As it turns out my project manager has been absent all week due to emergency surgery on Monday. This has led to my needing to step up and take on some of her tasks as well as keep my own going. Needless to say I’ve put in a lot of hours this week already. Other things have suffered as a consequence. Stupid work ethic!!

Anyhow, today will be a repeat of yesterday and the day before that and of course I have to keep it up until my PM returns. And then how long after that? If the past is any indication, the forest fires will continue to pop up everywhere every week so I can’t count on some lull in the action being a good time to give my notice.

In other status update news we are a hot minute from the end of July. The end of July was my target for being free and clear of any drug that was a benzodiazepine. I’m not there yet. It’s an excruciatingly slow process and the side effects of withdrawal are not pretty. They say that everyone is affected differently so it’s hard to generalize what I am feeling as normal.

I have managed to Stabilize my dose and cut it to .25 mg per day at this point. It’s going to be difficult to cut those tiny little white pills into smaller doses so the next step is to begin skipping days completely. I did that successfully two days ago, but again the side effects are unpleasant.

Just another reason I probably shouldn’t make any rash decisions about my job until I’m finally clear of it. Maybe I can continue to do everything just fine if I can only get my health in check.🤷‍♀️

I think thats enough of a rambling update for today. I’m gonna use the few minutes I have left before starting work to actually take a shower. What a novel concept. It’s funny the things that a person can let go of it in a pandemic. Regular showers for example. Ha!!

Until Next Time,
~Miss SugarCookie

2019-02-12 Bend and Snap

Yesterday I was in such a funk. I’ll admit, there’s a part of me that just wanted to dwell there and be grumpy. Like don’t I deserve a day to just be in a shitty mood and not try to do anything about it. Am I not human and worthy of wanting to experience the full range of my emotions? Yes, yes I think I am. That’s why I gave up trying and just let the day unfold.

I spent an hour plus toiling over a technical issue when the answer to my problem was in the slack channel all along if I would have only scrolled up. Good grief. I always feel guilty when these things happen, mostly because I work hourly and feel like someone else should not have to pay for my learning curve. I have to accept the fact that I’m in a technical field and that is part of what they are paying me for. They want someone who can ramp up and learn new things quickly. Yeah, I’m totally the girl for that.

So then I had grumpy and frustrated and guilty. All good.

Later that evening Jim was just awesome and knowing my mood cooked me dinner. As always, I felt gratitude for that. I continued to think about that when also contemplating the piece of cake he brought for me from the store.

I got over my initial anger and disappointment over the whole cake thing (of course I realize it was done with the most loving intention) after dinner and proceeded to eat the whole thing.

I mean, imagine the horror of someone bringing you tres leche cake from Whole Foods??!! 😱 I was such a grump I even gave him a talking to about it. My points were that I’m trying to eat healthy and gluten free and I don’t even LIKE cake. I could see where he might be getting mixed signals since I ate garbage and gluten all weekend long. Also, the fact that I ended up eating the whole thing doesn’t really help my case. 😜

This is going to be a point of contention in the future. As a person with the thinkers curse, I’m naturally now looking for chinks in the armor. What will be the main things we argue about? I mean, we haven’t argued about much and we are coming up on our 1 year anniversary. This whole weight/eating thing is sure to rear it’s ugly head again. How stupid is that.

So that added gratitude, disappointment, and anger to the list. Then I felt sorry for the way the whole cake thing went down. I apologized several times. Still I was in a funk and the rest of the evening was spent talking and contemplating the purpose of life.

I guess I also must have been feeling doubt and worry and a touch inadequate. I asked him why he likes me which was not a fishing expedition for compliments. I truly wonder what it is, why anyone would want to marry me. Perhaps there’s a bit of wonder about why anyone would ever want to get married in the first place.

I guess I had a wide range of negative emotions yesterday. ✅✅✅ And yeah, it was a good reminder how much all that sucks. I don’t want to dwell on it too long.. I really need to snap out of it.

Now I’m bending, bending, bending. I bent the rules and went for a run today. My calves and knees are going to be so angry at me, but a girls got to do what a girls got to do. I’m several hours behind schedule for the day and I’m already forgiving myself for bending on that schedule. I’m getting ready to snap out of the funk and try and prove that I still have control over my emotions even when the Moon is waxing crescent and estrogen is howling at it.

Snap, Snap, Snap,

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-09 The Human Connection

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m just finishing up my work day. I was able to get to most of the things I intended to get to today including sending out a communication to all my customers letting them know that I am leaving the company and my last day is the 22nd of June.

Five years of my life and all the relationships I have worked hard to establish and maintain condensed down to one email that is very generic and can never say enough about how I feel about those people or this situation. It was hard to hit send. It was really, really tough but I did it. After was a release of mixed emotions.

Part of me still does not feel like this is real yet, but two weeks from today, I will no longer have a job. Will I feel free? Will I feel excited? Will I feel happy, or sad, or regretful or will I just coast into the next chapter of my life without a lot of emotional fanfare?

I really don’t think the latter will be the case. I’ve already gotten two responses back from my email bomb and I started to tear up. People are going to miss me and it is all those people that I really will miss working with. The people are why I do the job I do. I’ve said that before and I will say it again. When it comes down to it, the relationships we establish in life are so very important. One of the most important things. And this is coming from an introvert that does not even like people that much, so it seems contradictory, but I recognize the truth in this.

It is one reason that one of the things on my “set list” for this summer will be to deepen the relationships I have with people. Social media has pretty much killed the interpersonal communication scene. People think they are more connected now, but in reality they are less connected. If you see “Susy” went downtown for dinner and posted about the great time she had, you might think you know how she is doing, but do you really? I don’t think so.

Seeing what people post on Facebook, or Twitter, or Insta, or SnapChat does not make you more connected to that person. It just shows you a small slice of their life that they want everyone to see. To really know how “Susy” is doing, you have to talk to her. You have to call her or visit her and have a conversation. That is what I intend to do a lot more of this summer. I have used lack of time as an excuse for not doing this, and I can no longer use that excuse. It is time to act.

As a list maker, I kind of want to make a list of all the things I want to do and all the people I want to re-connect with, so that might be something I sit down and do this weekend. It is Friday after all and I don’t have a lot of solid plans.

Time to finish up work now and get moving on to the next thing…
Happy Friday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-25 No Day Like Today for a Change

When I went to sleep last night, it was late and I was tired and I felt completely drained emotionally from the last few days. I’ve been up and down and around the block with these life questions and really felt I was at the end of what I could possibly take.

Truth be told, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of it all. That’s when you know it’s time for a change. Today, come hell or high-water, something is about to change.

A week ago, I was gearing up to quit my job, and ended up asking for a sabbatical instead. I don’t know if my manager picked up on the gravity of my state of thinking, but it has been a week since then and I feel like that is plenty of time for them to have worked out what they could do for me.

I’ve considered just quitting anyway.
I’ve considered asking to step down as team lead.
I’ve considered offering just to work on a contract basis for a set number of hours on specific projects.

The time for thinking about all of this is done and now it is time for action. I made the first move last week, so today, we’ll see what they bring back to the table. I might have mixed emotions, but I still don’t have any fear. I trust that it will all turn out like it is supposed to.

One of the things I pondered yesterday was about how I feel when I’m considering the different options. When thinking about staying at my company, I am filled with dread and when thinking about leaving, I feel relief. When I think about what it will be like when July gets here and I don’t have to deal with the stress and pressure and anger and responsibility, I feel calm and happy. That’s a pretty strong case for just saying sayonara. And, you know, there is a lot of detail behind that, but the emotions speak volumes.

It kind of feels like I’m hashing it all over again now trying to convince myself, and that’s really not the case. I’ve done my homework, I have confidence in my course of action, and I’m ready to pull the trigger.

Perhaps it’s just a little quitting day pep-talk. A motivational writing session, if you will, to set the tone.

It’s going to be a beautiful day out today. The sun is just now coming up and the weather promises to be sunny and 75. A top ten day. The perfect day, in fact, for celebrating change.

Time to Rise and Shine,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-02-28 The Struggle

I’m constantly putting myself and my life under a microscope. Then the pendulum swings and I’m 10,000 feet above myself and wondering “Why am I here and what is the purpose of it all?”

I eat too much because I enjoy the taste of the food and it brings me satisfaction but then I’m unhappy about the way I look or feel.

I sometimes drink because I just want to get that quick easy feeling but then lose track of how much and end up regretting it.

Sometimes I leave my kids alone in the house to go workout. Exercising makes me feel good, but after the fact I feel guilty about not spending more time with them.

Sometimes I want to feel too much, but then I’m overcome by it and find myself back at the beginning… Magnifying glass in hand.

I give myself breaks and then I crack down hard. I set goals, but then make excuses for myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations. I’m accountable to everyone and no one. I’m a walking, talking, bonafide hypocrite. Or maybe I’m not. I just don’t know.

I want to get more sleep, but then I stay up late when I know that I have a limited amount of time before I have to be up and working. I should go to sleep now, but I don’t want to. I want to write and listen to music and try to find words to express every single moment I felt today that made me happy to be alive. So making a choice ends up being so tough. Either way, one thing loses and the other one wins.

It’s a constant struggle. What will tomorrow bring? Will there be answers? There is only one way to know for certain…

2017-01-29 I Should Have Stayed In Bed

The tag line for this blog includes “unfiltered .. and emotionally raw”, and that’s what’s about to happen now. *Spoiler Alert* It’s pretty gross and also long. You have been warned.

I’m back in bed now, after a terrible experience this morning at my exercise class. But first a little back story.. Rewind about 5 or so years when my periods finally became regular after literally a lifetime of irregularity. The other shift that happened at that time was that the first couple of days were what ladies generally call “heavy”. So cycle day 1 and 2 were like that and then the rest of the days tapered off from there. Then, over the last couple of years things have progressively gotten worse for that “day 1” and shorter and less for the rest. Now, on a “normal” month, I have 1 day of hell to go through and after that, it’s over. So really, my actual period lasts about 1-1.5 days. Sounds really great, but I’m not exaggerating when I say that 1 day is hell.

I’m talking about what seems like an abnormally large amount of blood and blood clots that range in sizes from a cherry to a plum. In 2013 I had my first really bad experience with this and was, of course, stuck at a hospital with a client with no transportation of my own and meetings all day (because, Murphy’s Law). Thankfully, I was able to handle that one with wads of toilet paper stuffed into my pantyhose and a nice long hot shower once I was back at my hotel.

Last year I had one that was so bad, I had to change my tampon and pad about every 20 minutes for like 6 or 7 hours straight and I was so freaked out I called the answering service for my primary care doc. The doctor on call told me that it was unusual and loss of blood can be an issue and that if I felt light headed I should go into the ER. Now I’m not sure if the feeling I had was lightheadedness, but my mind was convinced that is what it was so I went to the ER. The entire time I was there they made me feel soooo stupid for presenting with “my period” as a problem and dismissed the low iron because i have a history of low iron in my chart. Nothing like crying alone with your legs spread open on an exam table. I was sent home with a recommendation to talk to my OBGYN. Which, of course I did.

She said it’s normal as you get older for things to get heavy. I try to explain the amount of blood it is, but how can you do that without actual measurements to rely on? I still think it seems abnormal but I trust her expertise. She offered, for the umpteenth time, to start me on birth control pills. To this, I say emphatically, “no thanks”. I could do an entire “soap box” blog post about that subject, but not now.

All I can say about this “issue” is that it is something you learn to deal with the best way that you can, because it’s really not something you can control. Over the past few years that is exactly what I have done and am generally always prepared. Prepared and willing to sacrifice about a half a day bound to my house, because being somewhere else gets complicated. This brings me back to today.

I have an 8:30AM low-impact aerobic/strength training class that I do almost every Sunday morning. I knew I was on the verge of day 1 but unsure exactly when it would hit. It hit during the class. 30 minutes in I could feel my workout pants were getting moist and in the next 15 minutes I knew it was bad. I had to leave class and go to the restroom and stayed in there for the remainder of the class. It was like the entire contents of my uterus all came out at once. Luckily, I was wearing slick black pants so no one else would notice. My friend Leah is the instructor of that class and I wanted to hang back after class and talk with her about my interview on Friday but I was about to loose it emotionally as well so I had to make a quick exit. Nothing like sitting on towels driving home so you don’t ruin your car. The entire thing was just unnerving.

I just cried all the way home. The emotions started to swell up, and then could not be contained. All these questions I have about my last relationship that STILL don’t have answers. All the wondering and heartache and anger. Why does my body do this and what did I do to deserve this loneliness. It’s all mixed up together and the lines of where one thing ends and the next begins are blurred by my tears. I want answers but I’m afraid of the answers.

That’s it. I want answers but I am afraid of the answers. I just don’t know what to do about all of that.

For now, I’m just going to be grateful for black workout pants and for the fact that today is Sunday and I can stay at home and in bed for the rest of the day.

/Sigh
~Miss SugarCookie