2020-07-30 Thursday Status Update

According to my FitBit I’m supposed to be getting my period today. I mean, it’s not 8am, but it hasn’t happened yet. I put myself in a holding pattern waiting for that sweet release, which is typically followed by a leveling of my emotions— the amplitude of the wave hovers closer to the resting point.

I’ve learned to wait for it. I’ve learned that whatever it is that makes me want to scream or cry might be irrationally inflated by my hormones. It’s actually a lesson that I’ve tried to teach my kids as well. I mean, obviously my son doesn’t have a monthly cycle, but he does have teenage hormones which can wreck havoc on the emotions. I teach that we should try to be in tune with our bodies and recognize that we can be in control of our anger and sadness and yes, even excitement.

Practically speaking, this is one of those things that’s fairly easy to talk about and teach but a lot more difficult to do in practice. I still struggle. I always have to remind myself that whatever I’m feeling is influenced, at least a little, by my hormones. This is why I was waiting for another week before revisiting the question of whether or not I should quit my job. Just a few more days and I’ll be in tip-top condition to make a clear-headed decision.

Good Gawd, I make myself out like an irrational head-case. That’s really not how it is. I mean, it’s not a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing. It’s just my wanting to not make any big decision with just a snap.

Frankly there’s also a lot of variables factoring into this equation that are outside of my control and could change at any moment. For example, if my sons school decides that the students will not be meeting in person at the school for instruction then I would almost certainly need to quit my job in order to ensure that he’s successful this year.

Last spring was a complete disaster. There is just not enough time in the day for me to work the amount of hours that are required by my job and also maintain the household and successfully manage the schooling of the children. Flat out not possible.

Pile on all the side projects and other things I want to do with my life. Pile on the lit mag, my reading and writing, exercise, and just enjoying life. Feels like a no-brainer. Still I wait.

The flip side is my lingering need for a safety net, the satisfaction I get from contributing to a project, and being a part of a team. All positives. But do the positives outweigh my need to reclaim the time I spend on work each week?

This week has actually been a good test. As it turns out my project manager has been absent all week due to emergency surgery on Monday. This has led to my needing to step up and take on some of her tasks as well as keep my own going. Needless to say I’ve put in a lot of hours this week already. Other things have suffered as a consequence. Stupid work ethic!!

Anyhow, today will be a repeat of yesterday and the day before that and of course I have to keep it up until my PM returns. And then how long after that? If the past is any indication, the forest fires will continue to pop up everywhere every week so I can’t count on some lull in the action being a good time to give my notice.

In other status update news we are a hot minute from the end of July. The end of July was my target for being free and clear of any drug that was a benzodiazepine. I’m not there yet. It’s an excruciatingly slow process and the side effects of withdrawal are not pretty. They say that everyone is affected differently so it’s hard to generalize what I am feeling as normal.

I have managed to Stabilize my dose and cut it to .25 mg per day at this point. It’s going to be difficult to cut those tiny little white pills into smaller doses so the next step is to begin skipping days completely. I did that successfully two days ago, but again the side effects are unpleasant.

Just another reason I probably shouldn’t make any rash decisions about my job until I’m finally clear of it. Maybe I can continue to do everything just fine if I can only get my health in check.🤷‍♀️

I think thats enough of a rambling update for today. I’m gonna use the few minutes I have left before starting work to actually take a shower. What a novel concept. It’s funny the things that a person can let go of it in a pandemic. Regular showers for example. Ha!!

Until Next Time,
~Miss SugarCookie

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