2019-02-12 Bend and Snap

Yesterday I was in such a funk. I’ll admit, there’s a part of me that just wanted to dwell there and be grumpy. Like don’t I deserve a day to just be in a shitty mood and not try to do anything about it. Am I not human and worthy of wanting to experience the full range of my emotions? Yes, yes I think I am. That’s why I gave up trying and just let the day unfold.

I spent an hour plus toiling over a technical issue when the answer to my problem was in the slack channel all along if I would have only scrolled up. Good grief. I always feel guilty when these things happen, mostly because I work hourly and feel like someone else should not have to pay for my learning curve. I have to accept the fact that I’m in a technical field and that is part of what they are paying me for. They want someone who can ramp up and learn new things quickly. Yeah, I’m totally the girl for that.

So then I had grumpy and frustrated and guilty. All good.

Later that evening Jim was just awesome and knowing my mood cooked me dinner. As always, I felt gratitude for that. I continued to think about that when also contemplating the piece of cake he brought for me from the store.

I got over my initial anger and disappointment over the whole cake thing (of course I realize it was done with the most loving intention) after dinner and proceeded to eat the whole thing.

I mean, imagine the horror of someone bringing you tres leche cake from Whole Foods??!! 😱 I was such a grump I even gave him a talking to about it. My points were that I’m trying to eat healthy and gluten free and I don’t even LIKE cake. I could see where he might be getting mixed signals since I ate garbage and gluten all weekend long. Also, the fact that I ended up eating the whole thing doesn’t really help my case. 😜

This is going to be a point of contention in the future. As a person with the thinkers curse, I’m naturally now looking for chinks in the armor. What will be the main things we argue about? I mean, we haven’t argued about much and we are coming up on our 1 year anniversary. This whole weight/eating thing is sure to rear it’s ugly head again. How stupid is that.

So that added gratitude, disappointment, and anger to the list. Then I felt sorry for the way the whole cake thing went down. I apologized several times. Still I was in a funk and the rest of the evening was spent talking and contemplating the purpose of life.

I guess I also must have been feeling doubt and worry and a touch inadequate. I asked him why he likes me which was not a fishing expedition for compliments. I truly wonder what it is, why anyone would want to marry me. Perhaps there’s a bit of wonder about why anyone would ever want to get married in the first place.

I guess I had a wide range of negative emotions yesterday. ✅✅✅ And yeah, it was a good reminder how much all that sucks. I don’t want to dwell on it too long.. I really need to snap out of it.

Now I’m bending, bending, bending. I bent the rules and went for a run today. My calves and knees are going to be so angry at me, but a girls got to do what a girls got to do. I’m several hours behind schedule for the day and I’m already forgiving myself for bending on that schedule. I’m getting ready to snap out of the funk and try and prove that I still have control over my emotions even when the Moon is waxing crescent and estrogen is howling at it.

Snap, Snap, Snap,

~Miss SugarCookie

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