But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need…

OR NOT.

I’ve had a cardboard box of stuff packed up for a couple of days now. The box has been sitting on my kitchen table and I’ve had to stare it down at every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Seeing it fills me with sadness. The last bits and pieces of things Matt left behind. You know, like underwear and socks from his dresser drawer and a silly hat I borrowed one year for halloween. There were some family items he asked me not to get rid of and a food processor he didn’t really want but I never used. There were books and charger cables and cufflinks he got for being a groomsman in his friends wedding. Yeah, stuff like that. Five years of a life together condensed into one box.

***

Oh the tragedy of my broken heart.
The space inside it more empty from the pouring.
All the love and affection I ever felt for you
All the gazing into eyes adoring

All packed neatly now into a single box.
I wonder.. can a broken heart break even more?
Asked and answered, yes, with tears
As I lay the box at your feet inside your door.

***

I decided that today was the day I was going to deliver the box of stuff. Last week I concluded that I didn’t need to have a conversation about the state of our relationship or even just say what I wanted to say about it. I convinced myself that nothing was going to change and what words I had did not matter and I should just move on. This was solidified by the fact that I had actually attempted to reach out to set up a meeting and was thrice denied or ignored… I waited a week. But really, I’ve been waiting since last October.

I actually did not expect him to be home. I expected he might still be at work and I was planning on leaving it on his doorstep. I even wrapped it in plastic in case it sat for a while. But he was home and answered the door and I truly was not prepared. I immediately busted into tears and could barely get words to come out of my mouth. “I wanted to give you this stuff back”.

He said “I’m sorry I never got back to you. Do you want to come in and talk”.

I said “No, I can’t. Zoey is waiting in the car”.

He said “Do you want to meet for lunch or something”.

I don’t remember what I said, and from there it’s a blur. Maybe I said “maybe” or “I don’t know” or “that might be ok” or “that might not be a good idea”. I remember saying “I have some things I would like to say, but you are not obligated to listen”.

I tried to say goodbye and he asked for a hug. So we hugged. It was so incredibly difficult I can’t even describe it now without welling up with tears. Then I think he may have asked about lunch again. That time I said “If you want to”. That’s how I left it. He has to want it. I want someone who wants me. Wants us.

The look on his face was that of a person who genuinely feels bad. I’ve seen it before. It was one of remorse with maybe a little desperation and surprise mixed in. I saw it when I broke up with him a year ago in January. I saw it again when he proposed to me in the summer and I said no.

I’ve been through so much turmoil the past four months and waiting for him to decide what he wants was/is killing me. It was completely obvious after this event that I’m not over it, or even stable. If I can’t have a simple conversation without a mental breakdown, that’s pretty telling.

I don’t know what it is going to take for me to get over this. I want to be over it. I want closure. I want to be able to move on. But you can’t always get what you want.

The question is, if I keep trying, will I get what I truly need?