2017-09-13 No Apologies

Last night I went to the Ed Sheehan concert and took Z with me. It was her first big concert and so that was a pretty big deal. We both got dressed up really nice, me in a dress I have not worn in about five years and her in her homecoming dress from last year which is so pretty. I even let her wear heels of mine, since she has none of her own yet.

We strolled through the masses of crowds, people of all shapes and all sizes and wearing everything from cutoff shorts to little black dresses. She was a touch worried we were over-dressed based on what she was seeing, but I assured her it was OK. I also issued the following statement… “It does not matter what other people choose or what they think. We are who we are and we don’t need to worry about what that is or apologize for it”. I really believe that and I want her to believe it to. I also made sure she recognized how beautiful she was. That, I am sure she is confident about.

Once we were through all the checkpoints we made our way to our seats up in one of the top sections. We missed the first couple of songs to the opening act, James Blunt, but got right into it once we were settled. He was good and I sort of regretted missing some of it but I had not anticipated the walk from the car to the venue would have taken so long. It has been a long time since I have been to any event there.

When James was done, there was a short intermission at which time we navigated the halls looking for another section where someone we know was sitting, but really only got there in time to realize the show was about to start again and had to get back. I wasn’t going to miss a minute of Ed. I’ve been playing his stuff on repeat for the entire week and was ready to sing along.

He opened with one of my favorites and that was awesome. It’s not really a song I associate with from personal life experience, so I just happily sang and enjoyed peeking at Z to see how happy she was. Her smile is so pure and the light in her eyes just sparkled. She was being extra affectionate with me and I was soaking in every second of that.

Song after song came and went and my thoughts and my emotions were heightened by the energy of the crowd and the power in the music. Some of the songs took on new meaning for me right there on the spot and, as it sometimes happens, I was moved to tears. It happens to me at movies, it happens to me at concerts, it sometimes happens to me just going about my daily business. I’m a very emotional person when my guard is down, and I when that happens, it often leads to tears. That’s just who I am.

So he’s singing about love and he’s singing about life and I’m up there singing right along. I’m thinking about where I am in my life right now and the fact that I haven’t found what I am looking for in the “love” department and wondering if I ever will. I want to find someone I can cheer for and help and elevate and love and someone who wants to do the same for me. Someone who will want me and want me in the ways that Ed sings about.

I thought I had it, but somewhere it went all wrong. I thought I had it and I lost it and through all my searching I could not find the reasons why. All that searching crushed me and I had to turn away from it so I could move on with my life. In the loud roar of the auditorium, I bravely turned back toward it and let wave upon wave of the hurt move through me. Several times I looked down at Z and she would rub my arm and smile and say “I love you”. She knows I’m emotional at times and she is used to it. That’s another opportunity for a lesson, even if it is without words.

It’s OK to be vulnerable and have emotions, we are all human and should not be afraid to show how we are feeling. We should not be afraid to let our guard down and let others see. We should not apologize for who we are, inside and out. I’m not going to be sorry for the tears streaming down my face or the singing along with Ed at the top of my lungs. I’m not going to hide who I am to make others feel more comfortable or keep them from judging me. If they want to, that is their prerogative.

What purpose do we have in this life but to feel? When I feel things, I am more alive. We as human beings are capable of so much and I think we can’t get to a higher place without pushing ourselves through tough things. We overcome fear to achieve something more. We experience sadness and regret so we can better appreciate joy and love. We can’t predict what will happen tomorrow so we have to make the most of every day and every moment as it happens. My tears last night may not have been happy ones, but at least they were mine. I own the right to feel what I feel and I am going to ride that feeling like a wave to wherever it takes me … with No Apologies.

Thanks Z and Ed, for the Great Night!
~Miss SugarCookie

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