2018-02-28 EVERYTHING Is Due Today

I’ve put some serious hours into my MFA packet this week and I’m quite satisfied with what I’m turning in today. I’m very happy about the revisions to a few of my previous first drafts and though I’m not super excited about any of my three essays, I think they are all pretty good too. I don’t phone anything in so I have no other choice but Work on these things until I’m completely satisfied with the result.

This morning I need to finish my cover letter and then I’ll be done. Done and looking at what might be immediately next on my agenda. I don’t have to look far because there are also several other things that have been looming around me waiting to dive bomb me at just the right moment.

One of those things is my tuition. It’s totally a thing I’ve been putting off thinking about and it’s due today. Yeah.. that’s me like almost half way through this semester and not even allowing myself to think about the chunk of cash I’m about to relinquish for it.

Josh is the only person who knows I’m in this masters program and has questioned my decision and motives. Most people are like “that’s nice”, and don’t even ask anything else about it. Well a few people ask and I’m grateful for them, but for the most part folks never even questioned me on it.

I reasoned out with Josh that this first semester is a good step forward in discovery and if nothing else, this semester will reveal whether or not I am serious enough to actually go the distance with this program. He asked me about it again this week when we were on a walk and I said that I was sort of amazed about being at this point in the semester and not reached a conclusion on that yet. It still depends on the day.

The days when I’m immersed in my writing and totally free to dig into the things I’m reading, the answer is clear. This is the right path for me. In those moments, I have no doubts.

Then there’s days when I feel consumed doing other things (which I also happen to really dig) like my job and AWS learning and exercise and just this and I think to myself, “isn’t this enough?”.

I could read all these books and write about them and write my poems and even start attempting to publish them without this program. Right?? I could. Would I? I’m not sure. I think that’s part of what I’m trying to puzzle out with this semester.

Any minute now my left brain is going to demand a white board so I can set it up in my office and create a pro/con list. Whatever though.

Days like today, when tuition is due and my house payment is due and my visa is due and I’m back to 15 hours a week for work I’m leaning seriously toward the conclusion that being in this program is just a flight of fancy and I should not continue on with another term.

I can’t get 20 hours at my job and yet they are actively hiring another developer. I’d probably be better off putting effort into actually being a dev. I came to the conclusion that was not the right path for me in 2016 but perhaps I should revisit that. After all, 2016 was a hell of a year and I should probably question every decision I made during that time.

To be fair, I was so grateful this last week that I had no work to do because it allowed me to focus on school. If I had a 40 hour commitment, I probably would have died. Yes I would be dead and blogging from the “Beyond”.

Now that I’m getting ready to package up and send this bundle of writing, I’m already inquiring with my boss about more work. I can certInly put some serous time into my certification, but I don’t think that’s what they want me to be doing. “An hour a day”, is the current allotment.

Also noteworthy in all of this is my daughter’s birthday which is in 1 week and her party the week after that and it’s a big one. I want it to be special and I’ve put thinking about it on the back burner. She has an elaborate party planned but I’m the one who needs to officially take care of logistics. That should probably happen today too.

Well.. now that the man in black has arrived (in white today), my morning at the gym is complete. Time to go face those deadlines.

Pulling Triggers,

~Miss SugarCookie

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