2018-02-28 Part 2

Part 2 of what exactly?

Part 2 of that Qdoba I had for dinner yesterday? Yes
Part 2 of that bottle of wine I opened a couple of days ago? Yes
Part 2 of that Taylor Swift marathon I started a few weeks ago? Yes
Part 2 of that blog post I started a hundred times now about my relationship status? Yeah, that too. 🙄

There is this Violent Femmes song that is one of my very favorites from way back. It’s called “Outside the Palace”, and in it the main question is how is one to tell the difference between the moonlight and the dawn. I feel this way about … feelings.

How do you know if something is real? How can you tell if you are in love or just in love with the idea of being in love. Is the current infatuation just a crush because the fantasy in your head is something that meets your expectation and real life has just fallen so far short? I have to be very careful because the fantasies in my head are sometimes very convincing. It is almost as if my brain knows itself so well that it is using logic and reason to force me to come to some conclusion that suits my particular need. Then I buy into the fantasy. Then at some future point I am forced to face reality.

On one side we have the fantasy that is the moonlight. A faint light shining around you that feels so much like it could be the sunrise, you believe it. You are convinced that as you stand there, “Outside the Palace”, you are on the verge of a new day. The sun is coming up and you are waiting, so willing, so wanting for all the wonderful things a new day will bring.

You believe it. You wait. You have patience. You keep looking for signs of brighter light. You are waiting for the colors on the flowers around you to pop. You are waiting for the warmth of the sun to cover everything. But it doesn’t, and then you realize that it was really just the light of the moon all along.

So how is one to EVER know the difference? Don’t ask me or the bottom of the bottle of this wine because neither one of us knows.

Further, how many false sunrises is one to experience before they just completely loose any faith that it’s actually a real thing? For the love of the Universe and all the Karma in it, please answer this for me so I know when to just give up already.

***

At this very moment, I am bathed in light from the heavens above and I can see it for what it is. I have no delusions that this light shining down is anything but that of a waxing moon. I’m aware, and yet still somehow swayed toward the notion that the sunrise can’t be far behind. After all, how long can one night last anyway?

I want to write a poem about this, but I don’t think I can. I’m not sure if I have the words for it. In “Part 3 – The Hangover”, all will be revealed. Tune in tomorrow for that one.

So Long, Farewell,
~Miss SugarCookie

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