Yesterday it took me all damn day to snap out of myself and find my way to .. to.. what? To reality? to what is right? To what is important and good? I guess so, to all of that. All roads of my life intersect and there I am, standing at the crossroads unable to do anything but think. And wow, do I do a lot of that. I swear my brain never shuts off.
It’s all jumbled though and not focused enough to write about…
I’m thinking about work, struggling with that on multiple levels.
I’m thinking about the kids and our routine and their current struggles with school and life balance and how my life choices have affected them.
I’m thinking about the move and what I need to do to prepare.
I’m thinking about Christmas and how that will go.
I’m thinking about relationships and friends and family and people i should contact and talk to and how some of that feels too much like an obligation. I’m thinking about school and residency and my mentor and the lastest round of feedback.
I’m thinking about Jim and trying to support him and being away for a while week.
And last, but not least, I’m thinking about my growing health concerns. I have a few things flaring which I have ignored too long.
It’s all to much and most of it is just thoughts in my head with no clear direction. No bueno.
When my kids got home yesterday I felt better because that was familiar. You know, the mom thing. I know how to help my kids, talk to them, have a nice meal and spend some qt. My biggest struggle there is not what to do, but finding time to do it. I constantly think about how time is slipping away and they are the most important people in my life. If my 16 year old wants to veg on the couch with me and watch a movie, I do that. I drop everything to do that. It’s so important. We did that last night and it was great!
Rewind a little though.. after finishing dinner, I had a little work to do and it was for my project that will be done in less than two weeks. Once that was done I had to do a quick run to the store to get Z glue for a homework project. When I arrived home I was so, so tired. It was only 8 and I could barely stay awake. This is one of my growing health concerns.
I thought.. I don’t have anything pressing while the kids are doing their own thing, so I’m going to relax and read a book. You know how long it has been since I did that? Not a book for school or something I had to read and study and consume and think about – but just to read for my own entertainment. Well, outside of reading a book while I was traveling on my last two vacations, it has been years!!
I picked up “the old man and the sea”, which is a book that Jim bought me for my birthday (in August). I sat down and opened the book and read no more than 4 pages before my eyes went blurry and my mind went blurry and I could no longer read. That’s a problem.
I put the book down and turned off the light. I closed my eyes to rest them and my mind drifted into an almost asleep state. I dunno, maybe I did fall asleep. About 45 minutes or so later my daughter came in to ask me if I would come look at her project. I got up and went downstairs.
It was good and we had a nice little conversation. Then I checked on my son in the basement. He was ok too.
When I came back up, she looked hopefully and asked if we could still watch a movie. She knows I’m not much good after 9pm, but I said yes. It’s sad to think my kids know all too well that I give the best of my hours everyday to work and late in the day I don’t have much left to give. It’s sad and it bothers me.
The bit of rest I had served me well last night, however, and I was re-energized. I watched the entire movie and did not feel too tired or like I was going to fall asleep. Z was very happy and we had a nice time. I need more of that.
When I finally went to bed, I had a lot of thoughts about my day. It was a long day indeed and I could not stay awake long enough to mentally prepare for today. Now it has started all over again and I have another chance to do a little better. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. What can I say?