The lecture I went to yesterday was about image. It was about transcendence and turning abstraction into something the five senses can latch onto and understand. It was about time and all time occurring at once and at the same instant always slipping through our fingers. It was about our desires to live on in a persistent state.
These lectures always seem to hit a nerve. They create a central line right into my soul. How do they always know? How do they know what I’m thinking and what I need to hear? It’s a strange and wonderful thing I’ve come to accept. Yesterday was no exception. The ideas Liz was talking about are all things I struggle with – Time, image, and the temporary nature of.. everything.
Lately I’ve had a tough time with focusing my thoughts to write anything meaningful. It’s mostly random fluff and I’m just squeaking by on the notion that it will all come together and mean something at some point. I attended a lecture on braided narrative and sometimes I feel like that is what this blog is but the Heat hasn’t been applied yet so the tissues of the different braided strands of dough have not yet bonded with each other. I need some heat to trigger the rise. I don’t know what that might be yet, but when I see it I am sure I will know it.
Today the threads are these residency lectures, the conversations I had yesterday, the move, my kids, the end of a year, Jim, work, and the Red Cross blood drive at my gym today. Yada-yadda, which way to go from here?
Fast forward a few hours and I am back at home after an hour of cardio, an hour going through the blood donation process, two and a half hours to drive to NE City and back just for one lecture, and half an hour for a lukewarm shower. Now half my day is gone and the only conclusion that I have come to is that small, easy accomplishments can have a big impact.
Noteworthy is the fact that I forgot there was a blood drive today at my gym and so as I was just finishing up my set the gang was setting up their sign-in table. That was about 9AM. I went AMA and engaged the volunteer “sign-up person” asking if there were open spots. He said there were two “now” and I figured it would be my only chance today to squeeze in without an appointment. No telling how things would play out since I have a long, boring history attempting to donate blood and having my iron be too low. Today, things were on my side and I scored a solid 13 which is just above the threshold, so I was able to give. Huzzah!
And to think, all those times I took iron supplements for days and weeks and months and today I just waltz onto that bus and pull in a 13. The human body is strange and amazing and stupid. I must not have been anticipating a win because it put me well behind schedule for the rest of the day’s activities, which includes the driving and the lecture and work and dinner with Jim and my mom and sister and their SOs at the new house and *trying* to get my kids up and moving and off to their dad’s house. Did I mention I would also like to have time to read and write? Did I mention it is also New Years Eve?
That’s kind of a sneaky little detail lurking in the background. Normally I would be all about it – either all about embracing it for what it is, the end and the beginning, or actively and vehemently rejecting what it is – saying it is just another day and resolutions are soft attempts to change something about one’s self that they feel will make a difference. This year I’m very much in the middle of the road on it. Part of me wants to reflect and remember and revel in all 2018 has been, and part of me wants to get it done and over with so we can get back to all the awesomeness that life has become in the last year.
I lied earlier when I said work was on my mind and agenda for the day. I mean it is (or should be), but I’m not sure about it. It’s not a priority and I don’t really have the time. Can’t you feel how easy it is to let go of something when you don’t really care about it. That’s a problem. See what I mean about not being able to focus on one thing, somehow I started talking about donating blood today and ended up making some abstract statement about my motivation to work. Why is that and how can I stop doing it? And if I am going to keep doing it, why does it have to be so damn abstract? Grrrrr.
Anyway, satisfaction for me is in starting things and finishing things. If something can be done in 1 hour, start to finish, then that’s pretty motivational for me. I can donate blood in 1 hour and I feel great about both having done something good for someone and about how it didn’t really take very long. Another example would be writing this blog or doing my morning cardio. I look forward to it. I can start, and put in a little effort, and an hour later I feel great! The cardio is good as it is doing something good for my heart and my body and the writing is good because it is doing something for my mind. The posting is for posterity and there is icing on the cake if it is well received by someone else. Doing these things needs no convincing. They are easy as life should be and they are great habits to continue. I would not change anything about my morning routine now, except for perhaps trying to make it last a little longer – both the cardio and the writing. Soon I will be able to do that. I would not call it a NYE resolution so much as I would say it is a promise to myself and a gift made possible by my love.
I really need to wrap now and try and focus on getting something else done. The reading and more writing will have to wait a little while longer as my other duties and responsibilities are impatiently waiting. Life is good. Let’s go.
Cheers to New Years – and all the beautiful unwritten music ahead,