2019-02-28 The One About Indecision

The dry sauna at my gym is open today.. huzzah!! That means I was able to start my “daily” workout routine with some time in the hot box and that, folks, is a very good thing. It’s in that temperature elevated state that the inspiration for today’s post hit me.

Of course I’ve written more than my fair share about the endless amount of thinking I do about everything and the “thinkers curse”. It occurs to me that a LOT of that time is dedicated to trying to come to a conclusion on what I really think about a subject that is troubling me or trying to decide what to do. It’s the state of indecision that can become crippling if you let it. In other terms, I get “paralysis from over analysis”.

Thanks to Evernote, I have searchable records of blog posts and journal entries and notes from about the last four or five years of my life. While I was in the sauna I searched for the word indecision and I’ve used that word 8 times. No surprise that the majority of those times was late in 2016 when I was struggling with the end of a 5 year relationship. It’s not lost on me that that relationship was hampered by indecision, and the lions share of that is a restless beast inside the other person. He could not decide what he wanted and so we became “stuck”. In truth, I’m sure my own doubt played a part in the whole thing after a time and that just made our stalemate worse.

Of course the breakup was my decision (all 3 times) and it was indecision that brought us back together twice.

Fast forward to 2017 and my deciding to quit my job. Let me tell you, I toiled over that one too. I spent endless hours contemplating my options and trying to navigate my way through a complex maze of thought. In the end I did quit but it wasn’t without apprival from my closest friends. It’s tough enough flying solo as I have done for so long but even tougher to come to conclusions without a little confirmation of one’s choices from external sources. I got what I needed from my peeps in Austin in early May of 2017 and was officially done with my job by June 30th that year. I have never once regretted that choice.

In hind site I would have been better served making these big choices sooner. I should have thought less about it, and wrestled with indecision less. I wasted quite a bit of time on both and if there is one hot commodity I have come to value highly, it’s time. It’s limited and it’s precious and the clock is always ticking.

But we can’t change the past and so wasting time thinking about THAT would be an even greater mistake. Fast forward again to those 6 months that I was not working.

What did I learn? The answer is a number of valuable life lessons that I have had trouble holding on to when returning to real life as a member of society playing by the rules. In other words, as a working person, the choices I have before me become cloudy. I find myself back in that maze of thought and repeating mistakes of the past.

In my time off I learned that I need to prioritize my kids and my other relationships. I learned that being spread too thin has a deteriorating affect on a persons health. I also came to conclude that I need to spend more time on things I enjoy and things that increase my quality of life and less time on things that don’t. At the end of that “sabbatical”, I had to return to the reality of working for a living but it wasn’t without a renewed sense of purpose and an acceptance to an MFA program to pursue a life goal.

Fast forward to now. I’ve found myself working a stressful job, putting school on hold for that (and my other big life changes), and in a position where I literally spend hours a day “thinking” about all of it and trying to decide what to do. Yeah, indecision strikes again in a big way.

A few days ago I wrote about it and how I feel like I just need to go to Austin to see my people. I guess that means I’ve already come to my conclusion and that pulling the trigger is the thing I need help with. Then last night I had a conversation with Jim and realized that I don’t have to go to Austin. My main person is right here, and will help me in any way that he can. Hell, it’s because of him that I now have options. I’m no longer bound by financial responsibility required for flying solo. March is the last month I’ll have to make a house payment or pay utilities. That’s a game changer.

As I see it, the very worst thing I could do now is sit longer with this indecision. The crime of wasting time would be the biggest mistake and I don’t want to repeat it. That way lies regret.

So that’s it. Let the indecision end and get on with writing that resignation letter already. Well, as soon as I’m done with cardio and back home that is. Hopefully this will put an end to the repeat of mundane blog posts where I go on and on about my work.

I only need to look back through Evernote for confirmation about many truths. Indecision is just one. What’s next? More travel and cheeseburgers and poetry and QT with the people who are important to me… all immeasurably more satisfying than what’s on my set list for today.

Pass the Cream Please,

~Miss SugarCookie

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