2019-04-24 Today I’m Cutting My Hair

I’m definitely still adjusting to all the changes in my life. Sometimes I still can’t believe the path I’m on now and sometimes, in a quiet moment when I have space to reflect on my life, I question the Universe and it’s grand plan. It is in those instances that I return to doubt. Life doesn’t ever pause to allow thoughts to catch up with reality. It’s a train on the tracks and Time is the engineer with a hand on the accelerator. Do we really have control over what happens next? Once we choose a thing and it’s set in motion, it feels very much out of our hands. Or at least that is how I feels to me.

Last night I helped Jim install some new solar powered lights in the back yard. Our back yard. My back yard. I held the string of lights and fed them up to him on the ladder as he strung them around and across branches. We hung some above the hammock and some in the tree outside the greenhouse. I just stood there thinking “I live in a house that has a greenhouse and a hammock in the back yard”. I chose Jim and he chose me and now we live together in this giant house that sometimes feels overwhelming. I’m still not quite used to that.

What if I change my mind or, the Universe help me, he changes his??! I quit my job, you know, and in 4 weeks I will no longer have income or responsibility to a company for doing a job. That’s kind of freaking me out. I mean, before I met Jim and was going through the most difficult struggle of my life I quit my job and took 6 months off of work to figure my shit out.

At that time, I had boundaries. I had a finite amount of money to work with in my savings and knew I had a set amount of time before I had to find a job and start working again. I had a mortgage and two teenagers to raise. I knew things would be ok. I did not really worry about finding a job because there’s an endless amount of work that needs doing in my chosen field. It didn’t feel like a risk and I used those six months to search my soul and find the answers I was looking for. And find them I did.

It led me to my MFA program. My passion for writing was re-ignited. That time also allowed me to discover how important sleep and exercise and healthy eating are. I realized how precious time and life experiences are. I found magic moments with my children that I had been missing out on because I was always working and always tired. I discovered all of that and just as I was navigating my way back to the “working” world and trying to figure out how to balance that with everything else that I had come to realize was way more important, I met Jim. After that, everything changed again.

Now here I am a year later and on the precipice of yet another big life change. But this time, the decision to quit comes without the same boundaries as before. I don’t have to check my bank account balances daily and I don’t have to think about how I’m going to pay my bills. This time, My unemployment has no ticking clock attached. Believe it or not, that’s scary.

My career is a big part of who I am. I’ve worked in healthcare IT for 23 years. In that time I’ve amassed a fair bit of knowledge and expertise and rose to the top of every job I had. At social gatherings, when meeting new people, someone always asks, “what do you do?”.

I always briefly explain my work and knowing how extremely uninteresting it is, I quickly move the conversation elsewhere. The point is, the “thing” I do isn’t going to be the thing I do anymore. What am I going to say to people when they ask?

“I’m a mother” , “I’m a housewife”, “I’m a gardener”, “I’m a traveler”, “I’m a student” , “I’m a writer”. I just have so much doubt in all of these things.

I was always great at my job and I’m afraid I’m just failing at everything else. As I helped Jim hang those lights it kinda made me feel small. I used to be the one on the ladder and now I’m just supporting other people who are. Like I said, sometimes it feels freeing and sometimes it just freaks me out.

The train keeps rolling on the tracks and I’m just sitting on the top with the breeze blowing my hair. Speaking of hair..

I’ve noticed that my hair is getting too long and the ends are stringy and thin. It’s definitely time for a haircut. At least there is one thing I don’t have doubts about. ✂️⏰😜 Time for a visit to the ‘Salon de Punteney’.

Losing Some Locks and Searching for Keys,

~Miss SugarCookie

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