2019-05-13 Empty

It’s 8:42AM on a Monday and I don’t feel like I have had a weekend at all. We drove 7+ hours home from Chicago yesterday and pained our way through it, taking turns with our respective health issues. After the total body purge I had had on Saturday my body gravitated from feeling starving to still nauseous at the thought of eating. I forced a half of sandwich, a tiny apple, and a small bag of check mix I bought at a gas station at one of our stops. It sounded delicious at the time, and then the taste was just not there. I have no idea what is wrong with me (or what was wrong with me). As I packed up the food in our shitty little apartment on Dewitt I took inventory of what was left. I hate to waste food so I packed it all, making a make-shift “cooler” bag with all the cold stuff and a plastic baggie full of ice.

I had thought at one point that part of my problem may have been too much red wine on Friday night, but looking at the bottle, I hardly touched it. My thoughts vacillated from just the perfect storm alcohol, dehydration, migraine, travel, my period starting, and perhaps a minor stomach bug. I also tried to make things better by ingesting every med I had for each differing symptom and that cocktail of madness may have also contributed (caffeine, curcumin, imitrex, Tylenol, ibuprofen, loratadine – for allergies, and a half a xanax to try and sleep). I typically take curcumin as a daily anti-anflamatory and could definitely tell when that came back up. For one thing, it’s orange. For another, the bio-absorption agent in that one is black pepper and I could taste that in my mouth all day. Now I can’t bear to look at the bottle. I also made the stupid mistake of taking Tylenol for my headache, a tiny long thin white capsule, and did not realize until hours later that the caffeine pills I have look exactly the same (NoDoz). What an idiot (I actually didn’t even have Tylenol with me). So what I had instead of Tylenol was the equivalent to about 6 cups of coffee).

As I said, we powered through the drive home yesterday and by the time we had the rental car returned and were back home, it was nearly 8PM. I fed the fish, got into my pajamas, and took a seat on the couch to watch Game of Thrones, episode 5. After that I promptly took my empty self and sheer exhaustion to bed. I tried to read more of the book I am reading, “Wasted” and quickly discovered that I myself was too “wasted” to stay awake. I gave into sleep.

When I woke up and 4 and then again at 5 I knew I didn’t have to go anywhere this morning and my first meeting is at noon, so I took a half a Xanax. I climbed the stairs to my “office” where my old bedroom set is and climbed into bed for a few more hours of sleep. The light coming in the window at 7:30AM became too much and the cramps in my belly urged me to just get up. Still groggy from the meds I shuffled about the house for a bit, feeding the fish and the birds and checking on the cats. All is well, except me I guess. I have this terrible empty feeling inside still and yet the thought of anything, food, liquid, medication, just sounds terrible. How does one call in sick when one works from home?

I definitely have work to do, but not sure I will be able to focus my mind. It’s supposed to be my last week full time on this gig. I’ve got other obligations to prepare for also. A meeting with my program director at UNO at 9AM tomorrow. Back to UNO on Wednesday to finish the registration process for my daughter’s summer program. Final preparations for our Road Trip next week. And my kids come home from their Dad’s today and I haven’t gone grocery shopping (or done most of the chores I typically do on weekends). Yeah, I am empty and don’t have much to give and all I really want to do is cuddle with my kitten and go back to bed. Maybe that’s the right thing to do for just a little while.

Just for a little while will be ok right?

Going back to bed,

~Miss SugarCookie

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