When last we met my mood was foul and I had accepted the fact and was rolling with it. That feels like four hundred years ago now and so much has changed. In truth, nothing has changed, all those issues persist but somehow the ride turned. And that, folks, is the nature of the beast we call life.
Shortly after I wrote that mess of a rant I took my ass to a Jazzercise class and danced and worked my way out of the twisted knot I had found myself in. I also decided to stop listening to that “angry” playlist. These things combined with a long sesh with my laptop working on stuff for residency put me on a whole different wavelength.
It certainly helps when other little things just happen to go your way. My kids were in good moods and we had a nice afternoon. The house was clean (thanks to yours truely) and all the animals were fed and also getting along. I rode that wave across the evening and into the next day. I’m still on it.
Today’s crisis, if one can call it that, is finishing up stuff so that I’m well prepared for my summer residency which will take me to Nebraska City for 10 days. It’s a wild ride in and of itself and in trutth, I don’t think I can ever feel prepared. The REAL crisis is that I always over think everything.. what to pack (which ends in me packing way to much), collecting my thoughts about mentors and interactive lectures and workshops, and the student reading. That last one is the thing I spent most of my time on yesterday.
On one hand, I have a plethora of poems I could read – selections I’ve worked on for the past two semesters. On the other hand I have a bunch of new-ish raw material that I would love to share. The reading itself is a very safe space despite the fact that having the attention of everyone in the the room makes me feel sweaty and a little naucsuous.
Sitting at my desk yesterday I poured through a lot of that new material and with each one I was like “hell yeah, this is good shit” and I was feeling great. I made some tiny little edits and copied and pasted into a single document to print and read from.
Then, as the day grew long I took a break from that effort to spend some QT with my cuties and cook us dinner. Later, when I returned to the task to finish, the tide had turned and something had changed. I reread what I had selected and everything .. yes EVERYTHING.. seemed stupid and very sub-par. I was all like “whoa, what happened to that brilliance I was reading earlier? This is all garbage”.
Yeah, that happened. This is what I call my brain playing tricks on me. I’m not a good judge of my own words and that’s one of the reasons workshops and feedback are so very valuable. Now I have no idea what I should read. I abandoned the task and turned my focus on reading my workshop packet materials again. As I write this, I’m still undecided on it.
Really over thinking that one, you know? It feels like a tidal wave and yet it’s only 5 minutes of my life. Nobody is going to remember it but me. Nothing I say is going to blow people away.. it’s just a bunch of poems. Good grief! 🤦🏼♀️
Anyway, it’s T-munis 23 hours till I arrive at my destination and when that Res train starts to roll there is no stopping it. Things will happen as the Universe intends them to. I’m expecting more epic tidal waves and whatever happens, as long as I don’t get pulled under by some gnarly rip-tide, I’ll be fine.
Surfs Up, 🌊