I’ve just written three sentences and backspaced them. I don’t think I have it in me today. It’s that little voice inside that says “go rogue”. I’m on the hook for more work and never has there been as much other stuff going on.
I don’t want to get myself all bunched up like last week when I felt so lost. So not in control over anything. Everything is happening too fast. Work gives me a feeling of order and control, but even that yesterday went wild and those west-coast people just forget that 1.) It’s two hours later here and 2.) I have a freaking life, family, school, and other responsibilities. Today I’m pushing back.
Pushing back at work means pushing a few of these long two hour meetings to a different day and blocking my calendar with spots that just say “unavailable”. Yeah, just like the good ole days.
Pushing back with my ex-husband means me sticking up for my kids and telling him what an ass he is being. I’ve got a list of bad parenting mistakes he’s making right now and I’m on the verge of just letting him fucking have it.
Pushing back at the fucking Covid rules means deciding for myself that going to the grocery store or visiting a friend is just essential. Yeah, it’s hard not to think that way when other members of this household leave all the time. Jim going to work is understandable (and they take every medical precaution to keep their staff and patients safe) but then what about the kids?
All of them have other parents and keep a schedule where they come and go. And we might have certain rules here but as soon as they are out that door, they are no longer bound by those rules.
For instance, we aren’t allowed to get fast food, takeout, or use door-dash or anything like that and can’t have people over. We’re eating what we have here at the house. That’s it.
Then I hear Jim’s son bragging about how he can’t wait to go back to his moms and his friend is going to pick him up so they can get Subway. He says “I don’t care if I get sick.” So, I get irate. What happens when he comes back to the house and starts putting his potentially contaminated hands all over the kitchen here? How is that ok?
It’s not just him. It’s my daughter too. She actually told me the biggest reason she wanted to go to her dads house was so she could drive through McDonald’s. At least she seemed a bit tentative about it and was not outwardly bragging. The arrogant bragging really, really rubs me the wrong way.
Like those ass-holes on spring break in Florida saying they don’t care if they get sick like the whole fucking world revolves around them. That’s the worst attitude to have about all this. So selfish. But thats Florida, far away from here. This attitude with Jim’s son makes me angry. This is supposed to be My house too and the health of me and my kids is paramount to me so how is it ok??!!
I feel like pressing Jim about it but I haven’t so far because he’s under enough stress. My alternative? I dunno.. going to the grocery store and visiting friends and maybe even getting my own sub-sandwich. It would be different because I’m not arrogant and I can take precautions to minimize risk. I hope my daughter is doing that too.
What else does going rogue look like. Perhaps loading up my bike and just finding a new trail somewhere to ride, all alone with nobody telling me which way to go or what to do. It’s supposed to be a nice day today. Temps close to 70. Though right now it’s kinda foggy and drizzly. I sure hope the sun comes out.
That’s all I got ya’ll. It’s enough.
Hoping to find some peace in my mind today,