2020-04-09 Naturally Nervous

It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you my whole life or if we’ve just met. I’ll be nervous thinking about getting together. I’ll spend too much time thinking about it, worrying, wondering how it will go. It doesn’t matter if I’ve conducted a hundred meetings, each next one is a challenge. I’m naturally nervous.

We had our first team meeting last night for the online lit mag we’re starting up. The night before I was fussing about it big-time and I’m sure that was evident when I spoke to my “co-founder”. His style is very go with the flow and I tend to be very exacting. Gawd I wish I could be more go with the flow. He said “I lost my nervous gene years ago”.

In my head, I’m like, hmmmm, I thought a person was stuck with the genes they inherited from their parents (which makes his comment a poor metaphor), but that’s exactly it! I get stuck on logistics and specifics. And I want to present things in and organized and polished fashion, because I want to establish legitimacy and trust.

If you can show people you know what you’re talking about then they will begin to trust in you and once people believe in it, they can get behind it and believe in it too. I guess my approach sometimes comes across as controlling. In my line of work, people love it. They want order and control, so my nervous, perfectionist tendencies are valued.

I’m still figuring out how that translates to a group of super smart creative people who want to be a part of our little lit mag party. I’m sure Ed is already annoyed with me.

Anyway, the meeting went great, I thought, and everyone was engaged and enthusiastic. Afterwards I was so relieved! Today, at this moment I have less angst about the one on Friday but give it a day, you know, I have no doubt that anxiety will climb again.

Today I have other fish to fry anyway. The clock is ticking and my entire thesis is due soon. I’m turning a blind eye to the pandemic and marching forward as as if nothing has changed (so much has changed). I have had some serious misgivings about my writing lately and the negativity piling up around my these was not helping.

I broke down yesterday and reached out to my mentor about it. He responded right away with an email that left me in tears (tears of happy relief) and followed that up with a phone call to reinforce what his email said. Then we talked through some of his recent feedback and he helped with edits while on two poems. It was a good conversation. I’m glad I reached out and I’m glad he was receptive.

I’m a tough cookie sometimes, but still super soft in the middle. 😉

I’ve now got the motivation now to dive back in and keep on it. I have to use that feeling while it’s hot.

I also used the spark from yesterday’s conversation to finally submit to the Universities Annual poetry contest. It’s a nationwide contest that starts at the MFA level (I think) with universities across the country choosing one winner and runner up to represent their school. So I sent off 3 poems and now my fingers are crossed.

What else? It’s almost Friday and Jim is off tomorrow so he has a three day weekend. I still have lots of work today and tomorrow and the sooner I start, The quicker I can get to more important stuff! 😉

That’s it for today, ya’ll time for this nervous Nellie to get to work.

With Goodwill,
~Miss SugarCookie

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