A few days ago I posted about being overwhelmed with stuff going on. I feel literally paralyzed by not being able to process that list of stuff and the fact that so much is out of my control.. it’s making me furious.
If I can move just one thing from that list out of my mind, I know I’ll feel better. But first, to describe exactly what kind of feeling I’m experiencing let me lay this out.
6:50, I wake up after a fairly good nights sleep. No strange dreams, no unrest caused by kids or cats or heavy breathing from Darth.
Yet despite this, as soon as I start breakfast in the kitchen, I’m greeted by so many reminders of things that bother me and by 7:20, I’m irate.
I open the refrigerator and see an uncovered plate of McDonalds fries drowning in Ketchup left by Jim’s oldest son. Food I know nobody is going to eat and that I’m eventually going to have to clean up. It’s disgusting and wasteful.
I also see the chicken I’ve cooked for Jim for some meal because his diet is so restrictive. When these things go past like day 2 in containers he will no longer touch them. He’s elects to pack something else for his lunch or have something else for dinner for three days (a recurring thing). Also so wasteful.
Oh and a can of Pringle’s someone was too lazy to put back in the pantry and has decided to stick in front of the milk in the refrigerator. Ugh!
These things make me so angry not because they are big things but because they are small things. Small behaviors that should be easy to correct. Small things like wiping the counter if you spilled milk when you poured it. But instead I have to clean it. It makes me even more frustrated because my tongue has been tied. I’ve literally been told not to say anything to the kids because I need to let Jim handle it.
To be fair, his son is challenged and needs more help to understand and change behaviors, but he’s not that challenged. He’s lazy and has a low tolerance for being told what to do. I dislike most of our interactions but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t talk to him.
But I can’t even talk to Jim about anything either because it’s never a “good time.” I feel so stuck.
Then… to add insult to injury, I open the trash to throw a few things away and what I find on the top of the pile are two cups that should have been rinsed and put into recycling. Consider me officially triggered.
It’s 7:20 in the AM and I’m off the charts angry at life. Jim comes in and takes his breakfast to the table. I follow, give two of our cats 3 treats each, kiss Jim on the cheek and tell him I hope he has a good day. Then I leave.
That’s it. That’s how my day started today.
Fast forward to now, after I’ve worked through outstanding emails for the lit mag, done my best to smooth over issues, and snailed my way to updating the latest release to fix problems. A requirement before officially announcing. A requirement nobody can do but me. And quite frankly, I also feel like nobody (but the artists whose work we are showcasing) cares. See #12 on my list of grievances from the last post. Something has to give.
First though, I have to get my anger in check. It’s not healthy for me to feel this angry. Cardio helps. Writing this helps. But I can’t treadmill and blog my way out of all this.
Something… something on the list has to get resolved. If I could just inch forward and fix (or at least make progress) on one thing. If I can feel like I’m in control of some aspect of what’s going on in my life, then maybe I wouldn’t be an angry bitch at 7:30 in the morning.
Or cussing at text messages at noon. Good gravy!! 🙄
I just want to scream.
One win. I just need one today.
But you know what they say… if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself. I just need to get heads down and focus on one of the items on my list and make progress. And I need to keep my temper in check. Being angry helps with nothing.
Or maybe use it to fuel my motivation… first, the lit mag. Then the iris. Then the pile of bills that need to be written out and mailed. That’s it. That’s my order of operations.
We’ll see how far I can get today.
On that note, my time is up.
Wish me luck,