2022-05-17 Just One Thing, But a Big One…

How can it possibly be Tuesday again already? The past week has flown by and I can’t help but hope that time can slow down a little this week because, as of yesterday, I’m officially on Staycation. Jim and his boys left for vacation yesterday and so it is just me and my two peeps at the house for the rest of this week. The dishes are done, the kitchen is clean, laundry is done, floors and toilets have all been attended to and I’m pretty sure now that with our household being cut in half this week, it will all stay that way a little longer. 

However, before I get too far into the week, I’d like to rewind a bit and provide an update on the goings-on from this past week. My friends, it’s a lot. Probably too much for one blog post but there’s nothing to do but just dive right in.

Last Tuesday I was a hot ball of anger. Hot-hot!! And vowed that if I could just get One Damn Thing off my growing list of grievances and irritations, I would feel better. The truth is, that much of that list happens to be things I have no control over – OR – timely things that have come and gone and so with their “going,” my mind has been released from thinking about them as intently as I was. 

My son graduated high school. He’s officially done-done and I think we are both taking a break from life’s pressures before turning our attention to the next thing… college in the fall. Jim’s son also graduated and that’s another thing checked off our collective lists. We are having a grad party for them both (on the same day) but that’s not for a few weeks yet so I’m not even thinking about it much. 

Mother’s day came and went and good.. freaking.. riddance. It’s such a stupid holiday. But then again, what holiday isn’t? I still have not figured out how to secure more grape iris for my garden, but somehow it does not feel as urgent as it was. This is how I know part of my emotion is dictated by hormones and whatever else is going on. Yes, it’s still important to me and there’s really no reason I should feel better about it or that it is less pressing, yet I do. I suppose that’s a good thing. 

I moved my daughter home from college, reduced the amount of time I’m going back and forth to my mom’s in CB, and managed to get through the ‘memorial’ service for my stepmom without getting too worked up about it. Since that’s behind me, I have not had to think about my step family much. I think it is safe to say I can successfully suppress those feelings again until the next holiday or event that will cause the mix of negative emotions to resurface. 

But all that feels like small stuff compared to my BIG news…

One of the most frustrating things on my list (and has been for a while) is the fact that I’m managing the lit mag in a very solo fashion and the person who is supposed to be my partner/equal, in effort and title, has been absent and altogether unreliable. As of mid week last week, he is officially removing himself from the project.

The short story goes like this: I’d become more and more disgruntled with the discrepancy in the amount of time I was/am putting in to make the journal a success and the amount of time he was. I had pushed thoughts about it out of my mind so many times and along the way, swallowed a great deal of angst. As a result, even the smallest of things would cause me to become angry. I felt sick about it. 

Leading up to the release of our latest issue, I had put so many extra hours in to ensure we had the same quality as previous issues. I did all the design work, contracts, communications, etc all while keeping up with the promotions for the last issue and preparations for the contest issue that is next up for 2022.

Then last week, as deadlines for things he said he was going to do came and went, I had finally had enough. I had already limited what I was asking to the small stuff like picking artwork, looking over the finished web pages and PDF, and help writing the Editor’s letter? He agreed to help, but then just didn’t. When I say he didn’t, what I mean is he would say he could get something done by Wednesday or Friday or the weekend and then Wednesday / Friday/ the weekend would come and go and I would not hear a word.

A deadline is a deadline and yes, it can slip, but the spring issue should come out in the spring, not the summer! In truth though, despite how angry I was, my reaction and approach were still pretty even keel. Once I was able to soft-launch the issue and let the authors know, I wrote him a letter.

It was a two-page letter that took me about three hours to write and get exactly right. A two-page letter that spelled out all the time and effort I was putting in. A two-page letter that started with “something has to change” and ended with a list of five suggestions for potential changes. It was a good letter, and probably a little harsh in places, but completely truthful and direct. 

His response (via text) was an acknowledgment that he knows he does not have the time coupled with new news that his work is asking even more from him in the coming months so he will have even less time. In the brief exchange that followed, he basically said he had to step away and hopes he will be remembered positively. So that was it. He declared that he was done.

I subsequently asked him for a few last things… Announcing it to the team, and helping finish the current cycle of reading for this year’s contest. He agreed and followed through with the announcement. The jury is still out on the reading but I’ll know soon if he is doing that. 

To be honest, a great weight has been lifted from me because of this change. Not only do I feel better about having finally confronted him on it, but now I don’t have to continuously rely on a person who is unreliable just because we are supposed to be partners. If I have to, I can continue to do all the work myself, but I can also now find someone else who will be willing to help me. I think as we get through this next issue, that’s exactly what I will be doing. 

So that’s it… that’s my big update from this past week. And with that, I’m gonna have to wrap for today. 

The goal for my Staycation this week is definitely to let go of goals as much as I can. I want to minimize the amount of time I’m spending on lit mag stuff and actually spend a fair bit of time relaxing, reading, sleeping, exercising, and enjoying quality time with some of my favorite people. I truly just want to exist and not worry about anything. I feel like this is definitely possible. A girl can dream anyhow. 

Until next week. 
Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

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