I’ve had zero motivation for writing for a while now.. and recently let my poetry workshop group know that I was withdrawing participation. I also procrastinated jumping through all the hoops required to take more classes at UNO and have given up the hope of being in the nature writing and spiritual nonfiction classes people rave about. I just can’t.

I had decided to not do any public speaking and then caved when asked to be on a panel about publishing at a weekend poetry retreat this fall. I found myself positively relieved to learn it might be canceled if they don’t have enough people registered for the retreat. I mean, it could still happen but I think the odds are not in favor of that outcome. The fact that I feel relieved speaks volumes. 

Ok, yes, I might be living a very charmed life right now but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have the very human phenomena of ups and downs. My cycle tracking app, Stardust, says I’m in my Luteal phase which they term “Inner Autumn.” That’s when the hormone levels make you chill and tired and make you want to hide and nap all day. 

Why does it feel like I’m stuck in inner autumn all the time and not just when my body is preparing the perfect home for a little zygote? Why do I just want to quit and walk away from every personal endeavor I’ve put so much effort into? Why, when life could be so easy, does it seem so complicated and difficult? 

And who am I asking really? You, dear reader? Myself? The Universe at large? 

Nobody and everyone all at once. That’s who.

Because there really isn’t a good answer other than the fact that I’m human and it’s part of the deal. I get a brief amount of time to live out this mysterious fever-dream called life and the catch is that I’m plagued with unanswerable questions and unyielding want for more. Whatever it is, is at the same time always changing, too much, and never enough. 

Good gravy! 

Obviously all that’s on my mind which is why it’s the first thing that comes out when I start to write. But I don’t want to dwell on all that. It’s so nebulous. 

I’d like to, instead, have an ounce of desire and energy to write about the myriad of other things going on in my life right now, which is quite a lot actually… 

My daughter moving back to Lincoln for school (her first real apartment), my recent success with publications, and the milestone birthday that’s coming up quickly. Just to make a few things. 

I could muse about my thriving garden, the record breaking temps, or my recent little road trip with the illustrious Kate Gale. I could go on and on and on about the lit mag, my mom finding Jesus and her pending baptism (today), or the fabulous girls week in Sedona that’s happening in September.

I couldn’t be happier to be skipping this sweltering city for an even more sweltering city just to see my Texas bestie for five fun-filled days! Which reminds me… I gotta get on with planning some daytime activities. Maybe that’s top priority this week. I mean, who wouldn’t want to procrastinate all the house chores to research spa days, hot air balloon rides, and ATV adventures?! 

See what I mean about the dichotomy my life has become?! Rolling my eyes at myself daily! 🙄 

Ok. My time is up and I’ve managed, once again, to not write anything of significance or consequence. Yay me!! 

(That’s sarcasm)

Thanks for reading anyhow. 

Peace and love. 

~Miss SugarCookie