2019-10-15 A Serious Lack of Motivation

The week is rolling now and there’s no time to waste. I’ve got another big packet due on the 20th and I’ve been doing that classic SugarCookie thing and procrastinating the parts I don’t want to do. It’s this big craft essay thing. It’s mostly done but the final section and conclusion and a pretty bow to tie it all together. I’ve been putting all my energy into the creative portion and revisions, which is necessary too. Arguably more important. But that’s almost done and there’s no putting off the other any longer.

I’ve also got work things creeping in on my time. But at least I’m making some $$ for that. Everyday living expenses are one thing but when it comes to special road trips to KC or some new shiny laptop, it’s different. I need my own funds for that and every hour I work makes me feel better about that.

I’ve been struggling with new writing lately including this blog. Like my poetry, sometimes I think “so what”. I don’t have anything truly important or impactful to say and I’ve got lots of other stuff to focus on so why put the effort in. I think I need some convincing and and most of the time I’m pretty good at self-talk but lately I’ve been needy for external validation.

I’m now participating in several writing/workshop groups which is great. Sometimes I get so sick of reading and working on my own stuff and so switching gears to read other people’s stuff is a welcome treat. Still, that doesn’t fix my motivation issue. Especially when it comes to this blog.

I used to write everyday and now it’s like every 2 or 3 or sometimes 4 days. There’s a direct correlation to my time on the treadmill which used to be an hour every morning and that’s spotty now too. I just haven’t had the push to make myself do it. Everyday there’s just other stuff that needs doing. I use the word “need” loosely. Some things are and some are just an excuse.

Right now I feel like I’m coming down with a cold and my energy is zapped. I’m trying to reduce my caffeine intake and now instead of feeling dead by 11am, I’m dead by like 9am. That’s seriously serious! I could/should do a whole post about the caffeine and the sleep and the energy, but that a perfect example of a road that leads to the /shrug and question why?

I think I’m going to need to try changing things up and do something completely different. Not sure what that would be but I’m open for suggestions.

Perhaps I’m just having a down morning and need to wait a few days for it to change.

Time to cut and run. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Be kind to each other,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-10 Finding Inspiration and Motivation

So far today I’m pretty uninspired. I was awake by 6am and did a little gathering of statistics for Work and then got my daughter up for drivers ed this morning.

The class is 5 hours in the classroom today followed by 2 hours behind the wheel with an instructor this afternoon. That’s a full day of responsibility for her, but she wanted it. She didn’t seem to care what she had to do to get that little piece of plastic next month on her birthday. And despite it being so early on a Saturday, when she would normally sleep until 11am, she hasn’t complained or said one negative thing. I’m quite impressed.

I was the opppsite at her age. I was unmotivated to put in effort to do anything that was even halfway an inconvenience to me. I took drivers ed as a class in HS when I was a jr. And didn’t get my license until I was like 17 and a half. I didn’t care.

I didn’t care about working either. I followed in my older brothers footsteps in getting a job at a local buffet when I was 16. I worked there a total of like six weeks and then quit. I discovered pretty quickly that I didn’t want to work until I absolutely had to. That ended up being the summer after my senior year of HS.

I think motivation is so internal and tough to find externally. It has to be more ingrained in your person and less a thing you can just choose to have if you don’t have those feels. Z definitely has the feels.

She wants to get a job right away this summer. She wants to work and make money and alleviate her summer boredom. I’m pretty sure that will stick.

Ok… I just received an inspiration injection shot! There’s a fabulous trio to my left on the treadmills. Yes!!

Ib this order.. 1) The man in black. 2) Dude in a camo muscle shirt and 3) Bird girl! Ahh the return of bird girl. I haven’t seen her for about 2 weeks. I miss her outfits and I’ve only seen two.

Today she’s wearing jeans (yes, running on a treadmill at the gym) and a spaghetti strap tank that’s got so much bling it looks like it belongs in the club getting low-low-low-low. I actually really dig today’s getup. I would wear that… but… umm.. not to the gym.

Her and the man in black have already outlasted camo and now it’s an endurance challenge to see who will outlast who. My gold monopoly Benjamin’s are on my personal favorite.. the man of few words and fewer colors.

I keep smiling at him when we cross paths but he doesn’t seem to even glance in my direction. Such a shame. I also haven’t been close enough to see if he’s wearing a wedding ring. I know I’m ridiculous but guess what “I don’t care.. I love it. I love it!”.

So inspiration can be both generated internally and externally. I’m not sure which one is stronger for me. This morning it seems to be external. I’ll take it!

It’s a short set for me today cuz imma hit a Jazzercise class at 9:30. It will be my first one all week. That work stuff is really cramping my style! I also am coming up on two whole weeks without seriously working on my MFA stuff so I gotta Work on my balancing skills. Soon. Now?

Time to Jazz!

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-08 When Plan A Doesn’t Work

Yesterday nothing seemed to go as panned. Serious bummer.

It started when I went to my appointment at the Masonic center to donate blood. I’ve got the whole thing down to a science. That blood drive is every 2 months so it is perfect for the 60 day rule. I book my appointment using the app. A week before the appointment I start amping up my iron. The day of I do my rapid pass before I go.. and BAM, I’m in and out in like 40 minutes. Easy.

My hemoglobin was 12.4 which is too low by a tenth of a point so I had to walk away without donating. Stupid iron deficiency. It was probably because it’s like cycle day 3 or 4. I’m in purge mode so my RBCs are going to be low anyhow.

The clinical intake person treated me like it was my fault, which was super irritating. I go through great lengths just to have enough iron in my system to be above that 12.4 cutoff. I eat all the right things and take iron supplements and also match with vitamin C to get maximum absorption. I’ve researched this and I know what the fuck I’m doing.

So when she says “aww.. if you just woulda eaten some raisins this morning you’d have made it”. I wanted to punch her in the face. She goes on to say “and we really needed your blood too.”

No shit? There’s a need for blood? When is there not a need for blood??! I get emails once a week the supply is low. It’s either low or critically low and when I’m donating the very most they allow based on their rules, I don’t need some person pointing a finger at me like it’s my fault. Rotten.

Now my 2 month schedule is messed up because I’m going to try again at the library in a week or so. I ended up going to target to get groceries instead. Whatev.

From that point on, nothing else really went as planned either. Work was meh and I felt excluded but like I said, they don’t really need me so I just have to roll with it. I should be thankful because then I have more time to do other things, but instead I just sat online waiting for something to come my way.

I was also supposed to have a first date last night. Someone I met on Bumble. I was waiting around to hear from that dude too and didn’t go to Jazzercise or eat dinner or anything I would have normally done. I guess he was working late. This I completely understand because I’ve been in that spot, but after that, I had dinner late-ish and then was super unmotivated to do anything else. Whatev.

That lack of motivation has followed me to today and I feel like I just don’t give a shit about anything.

I ate my first chocolate in 31 days last night. Then I ate an entire chocolate bar and then I felt sick. This morning I weighed myself. After suffering deprivation for 30 days on that stupid program I lost ZERO pounds. Whatev!

Losing weight was never one of my goals but seriously??! If there has ever been a case made for the theory that not everything works for everyone, this is it.

For me I’m sure it has something to do with portions and my indulgence in RX bars… and possibly snacking too late in the day close to bed. Easy enough to test. Just don’t want to.

It’s slim pickings at the gym this AM. None of the usual suspects are here except the good looking personal trainers and their shiny wedding bands on their ring fingers.

There’s no man in black yet, no bird girl, and no creeping retired dude checking me out from across the room. No hot guys to motivate me to kick the resistance up on this machine. Whatev.

I still have a handful of unopened “open when” cards from Z from Mother’s day last year. One was “open when Plan A doesn’t work”. I decided to open it. It was a sympathetic message saying she was sorry the plan didn’t work out and went on to say that the good news is that there are 25 more plans to try.

“… Plan B, C ,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z”

That girl is a total gem! 💎 She’s the bomb really. I’m a lucky mom. 😊

So today Plan B it is. I’m gonna try and find some motivation and get some things accomplished. I suppose that starts now.

Turn that Whatev into Vetahw!

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-12-05 The Tuesday Transition

The kids are at their dad’s house and I’m waking up to an empty house, which always feels weird no matter how often I have to go through this transition. I always tell myself it’s going to be good because I can sleep in, but then Tuesday comes and I’m awake around the usual 6:30 with no ability or desire to try and fall back asleep. I always tell myself it’s going to be good when they are graduated and off on their own life path, but I think I’m in denial about that too. I like our morning routine even though it’s quite trying at times. I like having them here, laughing and complaining and filling the house with activity. I’ve only got a few more years.. I really need to make the most I can of it.

One part of our normal morning routine is dropping them off at school. It’s a reason for me to get up and get dressed and by the time 7:45 AM rolls around, I’m energized and ready to get out the door. I typically dress for the gym so I can go there right after, and in recent weeks it has worked out great. I start my day with 10K steps and a writing session from the elliptical. I would guess that at least half of the blog posts in the last three weeks were written at the gym. That’s maximizing my time for sure!

Without that motivation to get the kids up and going though, I find myself not getting dressed as quick and not really feeling like jumping in the car to go anywhere. And this morning it’s cold outside, so that makes it even harder.

Yup, it’s just me in my big, beautiful house wth only my pretty kitty, Kayla, and no where to be and no one to be accountable to. It’s kind of a bummer.

I’m going to try and get motivated to go to my new job, which is looking for a job, but that doesn’t exactly sound appealing either. My original goal for December was to contact or communicate with three people/businesses a day about potential employment but I truly did not start that until yesterday. I put in three job applications and sent email out to two people.

One was a guy I met last week at 1 million cups who is developing a health care product/system which prevents falls in hospitals and the other was one of the founders of a healthcare contracting/consulting company out in California. I actually have a meeting with the latter today at 3PM.

Anyway.. I’ve got to get up and start something. I’m not sure what that will be yet, but if I don’t start, I won’t ever get to the middle or the end.

Happy Tuesday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-11-15 I’m Ready.. Let’s Go!

Yesterday I woke up uninspired and unmotivated and today I woke up energized and ready to take on the world. I could spend a while pontificating on why that is but I might not get very far.

I had relatively the same amount of sleep. I Went to bed at the roughly the same time. I had the same sort of day ahead. What’s the difference. Was it something I ate? Hormones? Quality of sleep? A three quarter moon on a Thursday? What’s the deally-o, yo?

See.. No answers, just more questions. Time to move on.

Right now I’m back on my elliptical at the gym jamming to random tunes on shuffle. I mean really random. No playlist, no station, no genre.. just me saying to the universe, “Give me what you got baby. I can take it”. So far I’ve had Pink, Maroon Five, Train, Chicago (which I elected to skip), Daft Punk, Phil Collins, and now Alanis.

Interesting mix. I wonder what message the Universe is trying to send me. I could go on a tangent about this too but, again, I know for a fact that ends in more questions instead of answers.

I feel like I’m becoming a master at typing on my phone while elliptical-ing. Speaking of masters, I’m embarking on yet ANOTHER new endeavor today. I’m going to an informational orientation on becoming a master gardener.

It’s a program offered by the county and from what I understand involves classes and community service hours. It’s actually a collaboration between both Sarpy and Douglas counties. The meeting is at the library in my area. I think they start “classes” soon-ish and then when spring comes round, they have assignments around town assisting with gardens in “public” spaces. That’s all just educated guessing though.

This is another area of interest of mine I’ve been putting off for years. And there is no more room for “putting off” in my life. The time is here. The time is now. I’m ready.. Let’s do this!

Perhaps this meeting is the reason I’m more pumped for the day. Perhaps, but does it also explain why my outlook on the future is so positive today as opposed to yesterday when I was freaking out about my job situation? Nope.. I don’t think so. 🤔

It’s most certainly all connected though. There is not one single person, event, or thought that is not connected in some way. This is why I can trust the Universe to control my “shuffle”. I guess that’s my version of faith. No matter what the unanswered questions are.. it’s going to work out!

On that note, I’m now jamming to Fall Out Boy, “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”. How appropriate (and one of my favs!). That’s my cue to cut it.

Let’s Go!

~Miss Sugarcookie

2017-11-15 Random Wednesday Un-spiration

I’m not so inspired today. In fact, I am quite un-inspired. I didn’t make it to the gym after dropping the kids off at school and ended up doing a lot of random things around my house. Then I went and had coffee with Josh. Then I came home and did more random things, outside. I do feel like I accomplished quite a bit, but don’t have a lot to show for it.

All but one bag of the hundreds of bulbs I bought is now planted in the ground, waiting for winter precipitation and spring thaw. It’s like the gift I give myself to remind myself that things can survive the harsh, cold, conditions that winter and still push their way through to bloom again. I love it when spring comes and you can see those little green spikes poke through the dirt and sometimes snow.

I love it when they predictably come up, year after year. The foliage of most early spring flowers like crocus and daffodil and tulips seems to not even make it to the summer. Even when they do, they get limp and look bad, so I usually chop them off. Sure enough though, the next year they are back for their day in the sun. I do wish they bloomed a little longer but I guess being the heralds of spring is tough enough.

Anyway, so that is almost done and today was a beautiful day out and I didn’t want to waste it inside at my laptop working on my resume or inside doing laundry or something like that. I can do all that when it get’s dark out at 5:30 (which by the way is really depressing). I SAY I can do that stuff when it’s dark out but then when it actually gets dark, like it is now, my motivation has been reduced to zero.

In fact, just about every night this week I’ve gotten really sleepy at about 7:30, to the point I feel like I want to fall asleep. Last night I did. Then I woke back up at about 8:30 and was up until 11ish. I think it’s something about it being dark so early, my body is conditioned to want to go to sleep. It’s only natural right?

So the kids are in their separate happy places and I’m feeling that 7:30 nap coming on. Since I’m not inspired to do anything else, I might as well embrace it. Perhaps when I wake up I’ll have a second wind to do something else productive. Perhaps, but no promises.

Random Happy Wednesday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-25 No Day Like Today for a Change

When I went to sleep last night, it was late and I was tired and I felt completely drained emotionally from the last few days. I’ve been up and down and around the block with these life questions and really felt I was at the end of what I could possibly take.

Truth be told, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of it all. That’s when you know it’s time for a change. Today, come hell or high-water, something is about to change.

A week ago, I was gearing up to quit my job, and ended up asking for a sabbatical instead. I don’t know if my manager picked up on the gravity of my state of thinking, but it has been a week since then and I feel like that is plenty of time for them to have worked out what they could do for me.

I’ve considered just quitting anyway.
I’ve considered asking to step down as team lead.
I’ve considered offering just to work on a contract basis for a set number of hours on specific projects.

The time for thinking about all of this is done and now it is time for action. I made the first move last week, so today, we’ll see what they bring back to the table. I might have mixed emotions, but I still don’t have any fear. I trust that it will all turn out like it is supposed to.

One of the things I pondered yesterday was about how I feel when I’m considering the different options. When thinking about staying at my company, I am filled with dread and when thinking about leaving, I feel relief. When I think about what it will be like when July gets here and I don’t have to deal with the stress and pressure and anger and responsibility, I feel calm and happy. That’s a pretty strong case for just saying sayonara. And, you know, there is a lot of detail behind that, but the emotions speak volumes.

It kind of feels like I’m hashing it all over again now trying to convince myself, and that’s really not the case. I’ve done my homework, I have confidence in my course of action, and I’m ready to pull the trigger.

Perhaps it’s just a little quitting day pep-talk. A motivational writing session, if you will, to set the tone.

It’s going to be a beautiful day out today. The sun is just now coming up and the weather promises to be sunny and 75. A top ten day. The perfect day, in fact, for celebrating change.

Time to Rise and Shine,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-23 Looking Ahead

A week ago I was heading back from Austin and super pumped about the future, and today I just feel very blah. I decided to ask for sabbatical instead of just quitting and have heard nothing on that. I don’t know what I expected to hear and how soon, but waiting is not my cup of tea. I give it until Thursday when I am back in the office. One week should have been plenty of time for them to figure out what they can and can’t do with my request.

A week ago I was heading back from Austin and determined to cut ties with Matt and let him know I did not want to see him. I did that, via email, but my heart is hurting still and I still want to see him. We exchanged emails and that’s made me feel even worse and it’s like it does not matter at all that I declared we should not meet and talk. I’m checking my email in-box in hopes that there will be something else and I can’t help it. I know the best thing would be no contact, but nothing is ever easy.

A week ago I was heading back from Austin and felt happy and energized and there was a spring in my step. I was relaxed and refreshed and ready to face the world again, but one week back in my normal day-to-day routine and I’m waking up feeling tired, unmotivated, and defeated. It is truly time for those changes. I need to take my life back. I need to be able to look to the future with positivity and excitement. I need to make plans to do the things I love and I need to do them. Why am I waiting?

I think the rest of this week should be dedicated to getting the rest of my garden in order. I’ve still got herbs and flowers I want to plant and a few more veggies too. Things I was not able to find the first time around. I should start by making a list so that I can be as efficient as possible and not waste time running to stores to find what I need. Yes, I think that should be the plan for this week and then I will also start looking ahead to next week and the week after that.

The kids will be out of school soon and we will want to go to the pool and and to go on road trips and to make the most out of the Summer. I need to start planning for those things and hopefully that will be the spark I need to get out of feeling the way I feel about today.

To the Future,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-03-29 Yes I Can

Yesterday I woke up in a funk.

I had more than 8 hours sleep which is outside the norm for me and yet I was groggy and did not feel well rested. I was sort of crampy and a lot grumpy and just generally feeling low and dumpy from what felt like 100 days of overcast weather in a row. But I let my mind be open. I embraced the “wait and see”.

At 8AM I was working from my bed trying hard to focus and wake up by listening to some jump-jump jams.

By 10 AM I was engaged in some heads down lab interface work… finding energy from the productivity.

By Noon I had a somewhat successful call with tangible takeaways with regards to a tough work issue. Any progress is good progress.

By 2PM I had two other projects elevated to a better status in the eyes of my customers. I always get satisfaction from knowing I’m helping make things go in the right direction.

By 4PM I was on may way for some Dunkin’ feels. Breaking the “no caffeine” spell to try and help with my persistent headache.

By 6PM I was playing tennis despite the weather and really got my blood pumping. I had completely forgotten how much my legs hurt when I woke up in the morning. This is when I mentally recognized I have the power.

By 8 PM I was getting my steps in by doing cardio at the gym, sustaining my good vibes about the day by going 3K over my daily step count goal.

Twelve hours and I had completely turned my frown upside-down. I didn’t actively try, I just kept an open mind about what the day would bring and did not let my negative start bleed into the tasks before me. So if you ask me if I have the ability to change my mood by sheer force of will, I will answer, “Yes I Can”.

I have the power to choose how to feel. 86400
That Was Yesterday.. Now what about today?

Just Getting Started,
Miss SugarCookie