I have this blog post I started earlier today at the gym. It’s all super positive and inspired by my goals and meeting goals and celebrating successes. I never finished that post because my time at the gym ended and I needed to finish it at home and then I got to working on other things and then time got away from me and then the kids got home from school and then real life happened and now here I sit a million miles away from that happy, positive set of thoughts and have decided that it would be better for me to write about something else than to try to finish that. I am no longer in the right frame of mind.
In fact, there are a lot of different things I have had swirling in my brain right now that have occurred to me throughout the day due to what I have done that nothing to do with what I was thinking about at 9AM this morning.
I’ve been inspired today to think about love. And giving love and receiving love.
I’ve been inspired to think about my relationships, past and present and how I feel about feeling judged for my life and choices and the person that I am.
I’ve been inspired to think about social media and question why my sister never likes or comments on anything I EVER say… and also the fact that I hate social media.
I’ve been inspired to think about parenting and the balance between standing your ground and letting something go.
I’ve been inspired to think about all this and at dinner tonight, which was a complete challenge again when it comes to my daughter, Maslow came up for discussion.
C watched “Finding Dory” today in FCS class. I’m a bad parent because I don’t know what FCS stands for. This is the 4th year having a child in middle school and they have it at least once a year, you would think I would know what that damn acronym stands for. Early on I equated it to “home economics”, which I had in middle school (we called it Jr. High). Back then it was cooking and sewing and I know they do some of that because the kids talk about it but today they talked about Dory and that characters “needs”. It was so the kids could learn about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. “How cool is that?” is what I thought as we started the discussion.
Then we talked through the levels. Food and water and shelter are at the bottom of the pyramid. They are called basic needs. These are things we need for survival. So over our dinner of chicken and corn and bread and zucchini with water to drink at our table with water and a roof over our head, we are covered. Level up! (despite the huge argument that caused with Z).
The next level is security. I asked the kids if they felt safe and secure. I know I do. I have safety and security in all aspects of my life right now and don’t have to worry or think about anything like that. Outside of C saying he did not feel safe in the dark sometimes, we are good on that level too. Sometimes we have irrational fears which can’t be explained and C has a fear of the dark. I don’t know when or why this developed, but it is a real thing. So his expressing not feeling secure in the dark did not surprise me. Sill for the most part we collectively do not have anything to not feel safe about so we are covered there too. Level up again!
Onto the third tier, which is belonging. Here’s were most 1st worlders like us start to get stuck. Do we feel loved? Do we have a sense of belonging? Do we have friends and intimate relationships. I’m not going to speak for my children, but I am sure they both feel loved most of the time and have some sense of belonging to their respective groups of family and friends. I would definitely say I have OK ties to family and friends but this is when the lines of my life today cross over this topic, because I was thinking a lot about giving love and receiving love and if one is a prerequisite of the other. I was thinking about how tough it has been for me to find intimacy in a relationship lately and that this really takes two people. OK, Captain Obvious”, but truly, you need other people to achieve this level. You can’t just love yourself and have that be enough. I have lamented over my past relationships and gotten upset about my present situation and somehow can’t seem to get past it.
Sure, my parents love me and I belong to my family. They care, but too often I feel like I am just flying solo. With respect to both of my parents, there is ALWAYS something more important going on in their lives and I’m just an afterthought. I’m an adult so what could I possibly need from them. I don’t need anything “basic needs” related and is that where their responsibility ends? I guess so. I know they love me, but I don’t feel loved. I feel alone.
Here is where the social media garbage line crosses over this topic. I can SEE what people think is important. I can see what they choose to talk about and share. I can see what all my family and friends think is important to share and I can see their reaction to what I post. My sister Lindsay NEVER reacts to things I post and it hurts my feelings. My mom always does and I think that is caring, but then so does my Aunt who I have never had a relationship with. Is that just who they are and what they choose to do? Do I think to much about it? Do I read too much into it? Does it matter what the answers to these questions are when it still affects my feelings? Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes. I fucking hate social media. It is literally ruining my chances at leveling up. That’s not fair, I should not blame Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat for blocking my progress on the pyramid. I have to own that shit myself.
Don’t even get me started on intimate relationships. That one really has a boot holding me down where I am right now.
I admit it, I am stuck on level three right now. Those moments where I feel good about myself and where I feel accomplished (level 4) are pretty sparse. From where I am sitting, the top of the pyramid (level 5) is so shrouded by clouds and darkness, getting there again feels impossible. I find it interesting that when I’m consider my choice of words earlier I selected “inspired” for how I was feeling throughout my day today as it relates to the topics that I wanted to elaborate on. I don’t know if it is inspired or just something that I was thinking that made me stop and think “hey, I should write about that”.
Anyway, I’m feeling quite down about myself today and my relationships and my parenting skills so I just could not see my way to finishing my post about “Celebrating Successes”. Perhaps soon I will figure out how to briefly climb up to levels four and five, if just for a few moments, to make that happen.
Oh but Such Steep Angles,