I’m really trying to make sense of the fact that I was in a better mood today. I should just enjoy it, but my brain is treating this like another puzzle to be solved. Why brain. Why?
All last week I was in a funky mood and if you are following along and read yesterday, I bottomed out over the weekend and was just not able to snap out of it. Yesterday the funk turned into more of an anger situation where I really had to try to keep my temper in check. Luckily, I wasn’t really around many people so I didn’t have to try that hard.
The closest I came to going-off was when I was at the gym getting some cardio in on the elliptical machine and every single one of the 6 machines that they have like the one I wanted to use had some sort of an issue. Every single one. I know there was something else about my time there that pissed me off, but it was so unimportant I can no longer remember what it was. I wanted to march up to the front desk and go-off on the person there, but I held back. The point is, I was just angry and it was largely unfounded.
I got irritated with Josh who was trying to cheer me up and I think most of my irritation came from the fact that I don’t think I wanted to be in a better mood. I wanted to be upset and nobody was going to tell me I couldn’t. Now how is that for stupid?
I ended up doing two Jazzercise classes back to back in the evening and exercise generally makes me feel better, but it didn’t. In fact, I got about 28K steps during the day and none of it made a difference on my mood.
Last night I took a Xanax to help me sleep. I really wanted to get a good night and not struggle with waking up unnecessarily. I have not been taking anything to help me sleep lately, but for some reason I felt like I might have an issue. I, of course, slept great.
Today I woke up a few times around 6 and 7 but rolled over and got more sleep and eventually woke up for good at 8. I felt good. The big difference for me between taking Xanax and other sleep aids that I have tried is that the other sleep aids tend to leave me feeling groggy in the morning, like my mind and my body want to sleep more. With the Xanax, I feel refreshed and ready to get up and get moving.
Today I decided to skip the morning cardio and did a few things around the kitchen and look up some info on the internet instead. The rest of my morning routine was about the same. Around 10, I headed outside to capitalize on the beautiful weather and get started on my edging project. Slowly but surely I am making progress on that. If things go well this week, it will be done by Sunday. I pretty much worked on that all day taking breaks for water and food.
I finished the next stage, which was laying down all the pavers and making sure I had a nice clean line from one end of the yard to the other. That was no small task because there was lots of dirt movement, and leveling, and micro adjustments. I was done around 3:15 and filthy dirty and ready for a break. As I was working though, I noticed that my mood was just so much better than yesterday. Better than the whole last week. Very curious.
I was so filthy dirty from the yard work I had to shower before Jazzercise. I normally would not shower BEFORE taking an exercise class, but I was just covered in dirt. Then I proceeded to do another back to back session of classes. Again, I continued to be in a good mood throughout. I even felt like I had more energy to kick the cardio up a notch. Though I did drop 2lbs in weights for today’s classes due to the lifting heavy bricks all day long.
When that was over, I came back home and made myself some delicious food and just sat in my quiet house all alone contemplating my day. Why was today different? Was it the Xanax and the good night sleep? Was it a better balance of activity with other things? Was it the interactions with people (or lack thereof)? Was it because I felt like I made progress on my yard? Was it the text I got from Simon making plans for tomorrow? Was it due to the fact that I ate healthier and drank more water? Was it the amount of caffeine I had? I have to admit I really don’t know. There are too many variables to try and pin it down and even if I tried to force a “reenactment”, that never works.
I’m at the end of another day now though and hoping that my brain can just let this one go. As I sit here I am trying to decide whether or not I should take another Xanax for sleep tonight. I don’t think I need it, but I didn’t need it last night either. Tomorrow is Wednesday and outside of going for a bit of a bike ride and getting some sand for my pavers, I have no plan. I’m just hoping that despite not knowing why things have taken a turn for the better, it continues and I can just enjoy it.
Hugs and Kisses,