The major disclaimer that I professed when I started this blog is that it would contain my raw, unedited feelings about everything that I have gone through and everything that I am going through. I do make an effort to keep things as transparent as possible and as “readable” as possible, but some days that’s just not possible. Today is one of those days. So this may seem a little bit all over the place.. and quite raw.
Yes, I just got back from one of the biggest vacations of my life, and there’s something more hidden under the surface of that which has yet to be revealed.
Yes, I am just about to start my period and as such I’m more emotional than normal. Typically, I recognize these days and try not to over-react to things or over-think things and above all else, not make any rash decisions. Historically, I will know that how I am feeling may be magnified by the hormones in my body wrecking havoc on my brain, and if something comes up, I tell myself “wait a few days, and if you still feel the same, then go ahead and address it then”. That has worked and I think kept me out of a few conflicts I may have otherwise entered into needlessly.
I am an open book for anyone who wants to know anything about me. All a person needs to do is ask. Most people don’t ask though. Most people just don’t care. I get it. Everyone is living their own lives where they are the center of the universe and it’s up to me to care about me and try not to worry too much that nobody else cares about me. My kids care about me, but even with them, they are the center of their own universe too, so they only care so far as their interests are concerned.
Before I went to Hawaii, I had several people ask me about it. I told the truth. I said I’ve always wanted to go, and that I had once thought the trip would be a wonderful romantic destination and even thought it might be where I would go on my honeymoon. I would say this and then follow that up with “but that never happened, so I decided to go anyway.” I’m sure I said this with a sideways smile.
It’s wonderful I was able to go and I want to be grateful and I am grateful but, god damn if I don’t also feel just so upset that this worked out the way it did. It feels unfair. I feel so unloved. What I did not disclose until now is that one of the most emotional moments I had was when I sat down in my seat on the first plane to come back home and buckled myself in. In that instant, I just burst into tears.
I had shared every wonderful picture I took on Facebook so people could see every place and thing we saw that was picture worthy. I wanted that for posterity but also so people would know we went and think we had a great time. The rush of emotions I felt on the plane was instigated by thoughts about my failed relationship with Matt. I was supposed to be on that plane with him. I was supposed to be living with the love of my life and planning the rest our lives together. I was supposed to be going home to “our” home, but instead, I was headed for a big empty house (save for my kitten), and facing the reality of my life decisions.
I’m unemployed, single, struggling to raise my kids right, and constantly battling the big question of “what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”. Why can’t I figure it out? Why does it seem so freaking important that there’s a man in the picture? Why can’t I just be happy being alone. Why can’t I just be content to work on HL7 for the rest of my career? Why does it have to be freezing cold in Omaha? None of it seems fair.
I’ve been waiting for over a month now to get word on my MFA application. Each day that goes by I get more and more irritated that they have not gotten back to me yet. Don’t they know that my whole life hangs in the balance? Not that I can afford that shit now anyway. So that’s irony for you.. If I have a job I can afford the MFA program but I probably will not have time to do it.. If I don’t have a job, I’ll have plenty of time, but I won’t be able to afford it.
Tonight I’m going to a show and tell story slam. If I can keep from loosing my nerve, I will be on that “stage” telling a story (more like reading). Ironically, the entire story is a metaphor for the finding and loosing my love for Matt. None of those people know me, and hey, I know they don’t care anyway, so it won’t make any difference what my story is. I can’t help but think about the fact that I wrote that in 2015, way before the worst year of my life in 2016. I wrote it way before the first time I broke up with him. I wrote it way before he proposed to me. Way before the final curtain.
Yes, in May of 2015 I was already writing about finding and losing that part of me that was romantically in love. In truth, it was more about me loosing the feeling of love than it was about Matt or anything else. It took another year and three months before “we” were really done. And tonight, I’m going to stand up in front of an audience and tell a story that conveys those feelings. Perhaps there is no better time than right now with my emotions being on overload to allow those feelings to show through. I just have to be brave and get up on that stage.
I’ve been struggling a lot today just to keep it together. All I want right now is for the rest of this day to fly by so I can go to bed and wake up tomorrow and hopefully have some relief from this grief. I have so many more things running amok in my head, but I’d better just stop now and see about getting myself together for this story telling.