Spoiler alert. This one is long, has backstory, AND poetry.
It’s clear that I’m in a much better place today than I was this time last year. I don’t really need a reminder, but sometimes it’s good to have a measuring stick. Some way to know just how far I’ve come. The value in me writing every day, is that I always have that to look back on and it solidifies my progress. It helps me remember just how terrible I felt so I can appreciate my life now even more.
Of course there are certain instances and events that stick out in my mind, but in reading what I wrote a year ago, I find things I have completely forgotten about, such as a random poem.
This time last year I was still hopeful about a reconciliation with Matt. The percentage chance was definitely dwindling but I was still foolishly holding onto hope he would go with me to my sisters wedding in Mexico. Knowing what I know now, that was so stupid, but I didn’t have a window to see the truth of the situation at the time, nor did I have a crystal ball.
This time last year I spent every day thinking about that, and work, and toggled between crying and being angry. I was not sleeping well and plagued with headaches. I recognize that at that point, even after everything we put each other through, I would have taken him back if he would have agreed. In the end, I guess it was a good thing he started seeing someone else right away.
On this exact day last year I only had one journal entry, and it was a poem. I had forgotten all about writing that. I wrote “hundreds and hundreds of pages” of words, but in all of it, there were only a couple of poems. There’s a deeper meaning in that I think.
Anyway, I must have thought it was really crap to not remember it and not go back and try to revise it to make it something better. Typically if I think something is worth anything at all, I will work it over a little bit and then consider posting to my poetry blog. But not this one.
It’s about me taking back my ring (or asking for it back). I had given him my favorite ring with a pledge to really try again and promised to work on the things that I knew I had the power to make better. I had said that we could reboot and start again and if at some point he wanted to make more of a commitment, he could do that by giving me that ring. I’m not much into fancy jewelry or diamonds, so giving him a ring I would like to wear that fits my “ring” finger seemed like a good idea.
I don’t regret doing that or saying what I said. I always want to say what I need to say, regardless. At that time,I wanted him to know I was “all in”, and I accomplished that. It was like my “hail Mary”. Obviously, I didn’t score.
I wrote the poem about asking for my ring back on November 16, 2016, but I never followed through with that. I held onto hope. I wouldn’t actually get it back for three more months (February 22, 2017), and it was not because I asked for it, it was because we met for dinner and he brought it with him to give it back to me voluntarily. By that time, I had started posting my daily writing on this blog, so that’s also available (one of my favorites of the year so far actually). Here’s a link:
As far as the poem goes, I played with the last few lines and though I definitely don’t care for it, it’s not so terrible as to toss away forever. I might even file it in the “archives” of my main blog. We’ll see.
I’ll take back my ring
And you can have your key
And then you will be free
Free of me and free to be
Who you want to be
But be warned
Is not all it’s cracked up to be
It can be lonely and sad
When you think about what you had
Or what you could have had
Maybe you wont
Maybe I’m wrong
I can’t pretend to predict
What will happen
In a life that’s so long
So I’m saying so long
Fare thee well
Please take care
It’s all OK, Fair is fair
You can have what’s yours
And I will have mine
I’ll take back my ring
And we’ll both be just fine.
Now, here I am a year later, and I have my ring and he has his freedom to live his life anyway that he wants without the burden of commitment.
Not only do I have my ring, though, I have learned something and moved forward with my life. I’m still making mistakes daily, for sure, but I’m always learning.
There is a lot that has happened between last November and now in my life and my struggle to get back to feeling OK with the end of that relationship is just one piece of that puzzle. I’m glad that I’ve written it all down. I’m glad that I have that record of how things were and how they have changed. As I said a few days ago, the human mind and memory are flawed. It’s nice to have something concrete to use as a measure for where I am at today.
Today was a good day. I hope a year from now I’m looking back saying “yeah, that was good, but now things are just amazing”.
Inch by Inch,