2018-03-22 Easier Said Than Done

I’m completely stuck and and have to start here. It’s 2 in the afternoon and I’m so frazzled and unfocussed I can’t tell you which way is north. Of course I know north is at the back of my house, but I’m talking about “true north”. Yesterday, all my good intentions starting schoolwork were derailed by being online for one work thing and then having one thing leading directly to another until before I knew it, the kids were arriving home and demanding my attention.

One of the benefits of working from home, is being here when they get here and I can thoughtfully remember, by now, that as soon as that happens, my attention will be pulled away from whatever it is I am doing. This is why I am looking at the clock on the laptop in front of me and literally freaking out that I’ve accomplished nothing today.

Yesterday I was still of the mindset that I could balance all things and it will all work out. “Shift things a little to the left, and ‘Waa-laa’, everything gets done”. I was going to block out some hours in the mornings to work on school and then back off of work a bit to ease my burden. But I guess that’s not what real life had in mind for me. No.

So yesterday ended being a fail for my new “approach” and the reality of my new job is that when something needs doing, it’s generally “right now”. That’s kinda like my old job. It would be a fly-by and all of a sudden the priorities have shifted and the new shiny thing would be #1. It’s slightly different now, in that I don’t have a dozen other priorities, but what I do have that I did not before is the obligation of school.

I’ve committed myself to that. The semester is half over, and I’m not about to sacrifice my standards for my writing, critical essays, or anything I might need to produce to feel like I’m successfully well above par on all of it. I’m committed, but pretty soon I’m going to need to be committed if I keep procrastinating to the last minute and then have to scramble to get it all done. I’m literally driving myself mad with this. It’s partially because I know better and I should have learned my lesson by now that “slow and steady wins the race”.

I’m sure pulling off some successful assignments in the past with minutes to spare has not helped. I’ve tricked my brain into thinking its not a big deal. Like childbirth, you know it hurts like hell, but you don’t really remember until the labor pains start and you go “oh shit, now what have I done”. For real.

Anyway, the thing that is different today is that I happened to look at the student schedule for assignments due. For the love of all the gluten-free crackers in the universe, it’s March 28. That’s six fucking days away. So instead of being “easy breezy beautiful cover girl” today, I’m being a lunatic running around, stress eating, and freaking out about not being able to focus on anything.

Even before I looked at the schedule, I decided that since my plan for yesterday didn’t work at all, I was going to completely change things up today. I skipped the gym and instead hit the dunkin donuts for a macchiato. After that, I came home and finished taping off my dining room to paint (as if THAT is a priority). Then I wanted to get through an hour of training videos before we had our morning call. That’s about the time I looked at the semester schedule. Then I had my “oh shit” moment.

I immediately tried to organize the dates and what I need to get done each day between now and the 28th to hit that deadline. I did that last time, but I’m not sure I ever stuck to it, but it helped write it all down to release it from my brain anyway. I then tried to focus on the training videos, but only got about half way through the first one before it was time for the morning meeting. After that, no surprise I had actual work that needed to get done today so I worked for an hour.

The next thing after that was a trip to the bookstore. I needed to find a few new things to add to my list and hopefully something that I will 1) Be able to read through in the next week and 2) That will inspire me to write something new, which I have done very little of this month. I acquired four new (old) books and returned home for lunch.

Hey did I mention the stress eating. Since I started my little freak out, I have pretty much been eating non-stop. Every time I sit down to try and focus on something, I think I have to have a snack with me…. Aaaannnnd, most of them are not super healthy.

Just a little bit ago I tried to sit down and read from one of my assigned texts, but felt very sleepy. That’s when I looked at the clock and realized there was just a short time before the kids come home and then all bets are off and I have to go MOM for a while.

I don’t really have a conclusion, you know, this one is completely unfiltered SugarCookie not knowing what to do next. I feel slightly better having ranted a little bit and now if I accomplish NOTHING else today, at least I will have blogged. Two-birds-one-stone stuff. Don’t even get me started on my step count for the day. All that is totally going on the back-burner while I figure out this situation.

It’s now like half an hour before the kids get home and I’m going to see if I can shut down and re-boot my brain. I gotta get in gear. I’ve got to figure out how to get everything done. I’ve got to find my “true north” and let that be the way. There is no other way.

The Only Direction is Forward,
~Miss SugarCookie

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