One of the hardest things to do, especially for someone like me who thrives on routine, is recognize when something is not working as it could or should and make a change. It’s even tougher when that “thing” is something that was previously optimized for maximum potential.
My routine. Goals. Meeting Expectation. And Time.. The timing of everything. The self-imposed expectation. For all of my cold, calculated precision I can’t seem to figure out the puzzle of time. I’m going to thoughtfully guess that it’s because the puzzle is a moving target. Something is always changing around me and therefore, there is no static solve that ever going to be the perfect fit. Or, even if it is, it won’t remain that way for too long.
Despite getting my taxes done, and signing up for residency, submitting my poems to the schools spring contest, and getting the trash out to the curb on time, I’m feeling behind. In the past week I’ve sacrificed some of my exercise regimen in order to make progress on a few things. I’ve sacrificed writing for other writing and one set of relationships for another. The short story is that there is just too much to do and not enough time. And now I’m awake at 3AM and feeling like I’m going to fail doing something, or that I’ll manage to do everything, but it will all be well below average. The rest of this week and the week to follow are already crushing me.
Tomorrow (today) is Thursday and I’m severely behind on work. My focus has been other things and now it’s time to buckle down and get something done. I haven’t even worked 6 hours so far this week and THAT isn’t going to pay my house payment. There’s a writing workshop in the evening but I already have plans with JS and doing either one of those things puts my parenting on the back burner. Tripple booked and I have to choose.
Friday I’m meeting with the IT director of a local hospital about a potential job opening. I probably would not even consider it except for a friend who works there and has been singing the praises of the organization for years. Frankly though, I can’t see myself working another 40 hour a week job while trying to do school too. What I am doing now is already testing my limits.
Friday I’m also planning to go visit Leah at Westwood. I used to go every week and and now I am down to every other week. I know I’ve recently written about how wonderful Jazzercise is, but I’m definitely back on the fence again about it because of the time and monthly expense. It’s tough to justify when my gym is 80 bucks a year and I can do classes there for free.
Saturday things get even worse. I’m potentially tripple booked again and have to somehow make 5 things fit into one morning/afternoon. That’s Jazzercise (again), donating at the Red Cross, the poetry workshop, meeting with Denise (who I cancelled on last Saturday due to illness), and also, yeah, spending time with my kids. I just can’t do it all. Jazzercise is the first to get cut, especially if I managed to go Friday.
If I donate between 9 and 10am, then I should be good to go by 11 downtown to the poetry workshop. That runs until 1:30. If I scoot from there to CB I can meet Denise at 2, but she’s got other plans at 3 so that probably won’t work. Since I am missing the first half of the Poetry session on Thursday evening so I can visit JS, I don’t really want to miss again Saturday. They only do these like 4 times a year.
If I don’t meet with Denise, I’ll reschedule on her AGAIN, which is probably not leaving the best impression. I also only see her about 4 times a year. I really wish something could be on Sunday. On Sunday everything starts over again for the week and to add insult to injury, I’m also now officially a week away from another big assignment for my MFA coming up due.
So, not only do I have to find 24 hours worth of work in the next three days, I also have to read like a hundred pages and write three critical essays. My brain hurts just thinking about trying to fit it all in. I’m going to have to be agile with my days and nights. I’m going to have to continue to mix things up and shift things around in order to fit it all in.
If there is one thing I now for certain though, it’s that sacrificing sleep is NOT the answer. Ironic that it doesn’t stop my brain from trying. It’s now almost 5AM and I have to see if I can get a few more hours. Try and forget it all and find some peace in dreams.
Until Tomorrow (later today),