I’m so ready to go on vacation .. my brain left for Mexico like two days ago. This morning I’m having a call with my mentor and I’m the picture of unprepared. Yet here I am at the gym trying to make myself feel better by sweating my ass off. I was up at 5:50 am and at the gym by 6:30. I’m grateful at times like these that my gym is 24 hours. If it wasn’t, id probably spend a lot more time wandering wal-mart. What would be really great is if I could stay awake past 9PM and NOT wake up until 7. I’m so lame. Jim and his family call us “day breakers”.. up with the sun naturally. What do you call it when you wake up before the sun?
It’s Saturday but that doesn’t mean anything changes. I still have to work a full day to try and make up for lost time this week. Life was so much easier this time last year when I was enjoying my self-imposed sabbatical. Working sucks. What’s worse is that I haven’t been writing a lot lately either, just uninspired I guess.
The historical pattern with my writing tracks like this… things suck, and I write a lot. My heart gets broken, and I’m sobbing novels out my fingertips. I recover, life turns around, I feel great and all of a sudden the Well is dry. I’ve got nothing to say about rainbows and ponies. Whatever.
I tweeted a couple of days ago (I rarely tweet) and my ex ‘liked’ it or whatever you do with a tweet. I see his stupid 10 year old twitter picture and it makes me want to puke. Why would he do that? Why would he reach out to wish me a happy birthday or want to take me out for lunch? And why the hell would I want to dwell on that instead of all the amazing things I have going on with Jim? It’s stupid. My brain is stupid.
Jim and I have been together like 6 months and have never really argued. Is that strange? He gets me and is extremely supportive. I’ve had conversations with exes who think I need to work harder and milk this start-up thing for everything it can be. But that’s not who I am anymore. I learned a lot about myself and life last year and working harder is not my aim. Working less is my aim as is enjoying life and spending my time doing things that make me happy. I’m working for income and not satisfaction. Sure some of what I’m doing is satisfying. I dig building databases and doing analytics and diagraming data flows and network schematics, but I would be just as satisfied (or more) if I was digging in the dirt or digging into my writing life, or dedicating more of my time to running my house and raising my kids.
I’ve only got a few years left with the kids and I want to savor that. Z already talks about being excited to have her own dorm room. I’m certainly not ready for that, but it’s a good reminder that this time, here, now, is precious and I don’t want to waste it telling her “not now sweetie, mom’s got to work”. I also don’t want to do what I did last night which was promise to sit with her while we work on our respective homework and then flake out and fall asleep by 9PM. 9pm is when she’s just getting started. Of course today is Saturday and she can sleep till noon. My body won’t let me do that.
Well, I’ve been rambling for about an hour now and the sun is up and it’s time for me to move on to the rest of my day.