2018-09-15 What a Girl Wants

Last night being picked up at the airport and taken home by my love was the best homecoming ever. He recognized I just needed sleep and to be in my own bed. He took me to the airport early, early on Monday and picked me up late on Friday and would not have it any other way. It’s crazy to think that it’s that kind of gesture and thinking that has me feeling like the luckiest girl in the would. It’s knowing what I want and need without me having to ask. Someone who goes out of their way to give you what you need despite the hellish week they had.

He worked all week, dealt with drama around some medical bills, and had his basement flooded due to a backup of water in pipes under the house. He’s still dealing with it all, yet he picks me up with a smile and delivers me to my front door.

After discovering my kids had been home at some point and failed to lock the door behind him, he proceeded to check the house for intruders. It was late, we were both tired, but he didn’t hesitate to make sure all was safe before leaving me to sink into a deep sleep. That’s providing me with something I feel like I’ve never had before, someone putting my needs ahead of his own. He’s incredible.

This past week was strange. It was like I was on this amazing trip with some of my best girlfriends yet I could not enjoy it. I felt like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, far away from home and where my heart is. I was too far away to help my daughter and too far away to be there to support Jim. Every time we sat down for a meal they would say “I love this place, isn’t it wonderful?!”. I would nod and smile and raise my glass feeling like a guilty spoiled brat. Why? Why was I feeling so guilty and unable to enjoy those wonderful moments? My heart was two thousand, five hundred and eighty-three miles away. That’s why.

My house was quiet last night. My daughter decided to stay at her dads house, Jim went home to his where my kitten is also. No Kids or other people or pets. Just me and my thoughts finally back in a safe space. I fell asleep easy reflecting on the day of travel I had just had and began processing. It always takes me a bit to sort through my feelings.

I think I’ve decided I’m not wanting to travel for a while and I can’t say I will ever want to travel outside the US unless I’m with someone. I don’t want to bring unrational fear into the equation, but I seriously had this vibe yesterday about how anything can happen and being alone in a foreign country was kind of freaking me out.

My mind was all over the map all day. Home, family, the future, the past, choices, travel, work, kids, responsibility, family, friends, past relationships, lost connections, school, writing. So many questions and not a ton of answers. Why can I not stop questioning everything and just relax? Ugh.

Now I’m back home, a whole weekend ahead of me to try and get things back to normal. I don’t have to worry about Work and I’m not yet back to the place where I want to work on school stuff. It could be hours before I hear from Z and Jim let me know he has made plans because he knows I have to take care of things at home with her and whatever else. So now what? More thinking? Wonderful.

My head is not screwed on straight and I need to go be productive doing something so I can stop dwelling on everything. I’ve been needing more time alone and now I have it and I want to complain about it?! Good grief there is something wrong with me!! 🙄

That’s my Cue to cut and run.

Where to Next? Outside maybe? The garden? Yeah, 9AM on a beautiful Nebraska morning alone. You know what they say… “love the one you’re with”. Yeah, let’s see if I can manage that and be at peace with getting what I’ve wanted.

Breathe in Deep and Exhale Slow,

~Miss SugarCookie

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