2018-09-18 Half an Hour Before Midnight

I’ve got 27 minutes left in this day. It has been a very, very long time since I was up this late (that I can recall) and I’ve had a very, very long day.

It started before 6AM. I cursed waking up in the 5AM hour and tried hard to get another half an hour, but my brain would not have it. I decided early in the day today that the theme for this day would be letting go and wouldn’t you just know it, the act of doing that took all freaking day long. It didn’t truly take all day long for me to meet the challenge I issued for myself, but it did take all day to pull the trigger because I had a hundred other things that were also important and needed doing. Such is the responsible life.

In the 9AM hour, I gave myself the ultimate pep-talk. From 10-4:30 I worked and did other random chores and sometime in the 2ish-oclock hour I composed a nice little email. That part was pretty straight forward. I briefly considered some long, drawn out novel of text that reached back into the depths of history to explain “why”, but spending just a few minutes hashing over journal entries from September and October in 2016 opened my eyes to the fact that the history doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters now is my conclusion and actually sending the request to cease all communication. Still, a little letter saying a few final thoughts was appropriate and I did that for my own good. For my own closure.

It wasn’t until hours and hours later (like 10PM), after work, dinner, kids, and more work that I was finally in a spot to take a deep breath and paste my letter into an email and send it. Ironic to send someone an email requesting no future communication but then have a desire to know whether they got it or not and wanting to text to confirm. If I’m letting go, I really need to let go though and not care if I get an ack back.

In a way, I feel like I made too much of this a big effing deal, when it’s not really. In another way, I feel extremely relieved to have made this decision and followed through. No more worry about more text coming in or email or requests for meet-ups. The fact that I won’t have to worry about what to do or say or feel guilty or wonder “why” is a weight lifted. I can already tell it’s was the right thing to do.

Tomorrow I have another really long work day queued up. I need to get to sleep because 5 or 6 or 7AM will be here in the blink of a pair of sleep eyes. It will be a new day and the best first day of the rest of my life.

Counting Minutes till Midnight,
~Miss SugarCookie

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