I could draw myself into a spiral. I could pretend to be a straight line or paint my life as an isosceles triangle in perpetual motion. The faster it spins, the more the points blur into circles that create borders that can’t be penetrated.
If I was reborn as a star, would I have five points or six? Or Seven!?? Would I be a better poet if I was a broken heart, or the zig-zag white space between the two separate halves.
Hearts don’t ever break in half. It’s never an equitable split. Most are fragments shattered like that round dish that was dropped on accident or because it was too hot to touch. And there are never any answers for that. Just possible explanations and plausible deniability and revisionist history. What geometric shapes are those? It must be a chapter I haven’t gotten to yet.
I’ve spent so much time with my face on the the floor because of gravity.
I’ve spent so much time enduring air travel trying to escape gravety.
I’ve spent so much time trying to learn how to finish this geometry so I can finally move on to algebra 2.
I fear there’s a long way to go before gravity will start making sense.
So many apples. So little time.
You’re welcome for that nonsense. You know a lot of the poetry I write is sort of nonsense. Or based on little connections in my brain and sparks of thought where one thing just leads to another. I think the closer I get to finishing this mfa program, the more my brain will feel the freedom of writing what I want to write again for me, and my sanity.
I’ve spent so long studying craft that it’s altered my perception of reality. It’s hijacked my creative instincts in some way. Or perhaps it’s that my life is just good now so I have less to muse about.
Here’s a secret (spoiler alert, some “poor me” might slip in here). Once upon a time I was in love with a guy. And having been previously conditioned to have a fear of commitment, I was unable to go all-in. Right up to the day that I realized that’s all that was left for us. So I tried it.
I convinced myself with this little nugget of logic .. if my heart gets broken, then I’ll just have so much good poetry. Yes, I actually told myself that. That was me bargaining with myself to tip the scales in the favor of the “all-in” option. It worked.
Then, wouldn’t you know it all fell apart after that and my heart got crushed. And then you know what happened? There was no fucking poetry. I just cried all the time and couldn’t write a single line of a single poem. I wrote a lot of journal entries (mostly because I didn’t have close friends to talk to), but the empty space where those poems were supposed to be crushed me even more.
I had trusted myself, and was betrayed. So I said “I’ll never do that again”.
Yeah, so that’s that melodramatic charm of mine coming through again.
Fast forward 4 years and I’ve finally found a few lines and arranged them into a poem and it was such a clinical process that I actually learned something about myself and also about the art of making poetry. That was the point I guess. It passed the JP test and made it into my thesis manuscript.
I’m attached to the idea of it more than the poem itself.
After my heart was broken in 2016 I turned to a guy friend for comfort. I thought I loved him too. Which is a blurry line.
I loved the idea of being in love with him.
I loved the way he spent so much time with me and listened to me and held me when I cried.
He was always clear with me “we” could never be, so it was safe. I didn’t have to worry about the unknown quantity in the air after I said “I love you”. I knew the response and that was in some fucked up way, really comforting.
If you tell someone you love them, the Tough part is in having their response be unexpected.
What have I learned? That I really loved Matt, and that I really loved Josh but for different reasons, and Vis, and of course Brian. Stitch all that together and the picture becomes more complete. It’s a complicated shape. Still a bit above my current geometrical comprehension, but I’m nothing if not a diligent student.
What other option do I have anyway? That’s life.
Thanks for hanging in with what was not intended to be a rehash of my broken heart again. But, I will take all I can get.
2 responses to “2020-04-29 Mathematics and Other Tragedies”
We all love you back. Still.
Well this just makes my day (and makes me teary eyed just a little). Thanks for continuing to read my words.. even after all this time. Love the new email address by the way. It’s a classic! 😊