2020-11-05 Nothing New to Say Thursday

Day 7 without a good nights sleep. It’s sort of like having a newborn without having to breastfeed. You go a little cray-cray after a while. I find myself being irritated at small things. I find myself giving up on stuff too easily. I’m walking a lot to try and compensate.

I try to take naps. Three days this week so far I’ve forced myself to lay down and try and sleep in the afternoon. I maybe have gotten 20 minutes sleep tops if anything and I would say I wake up feeling more tired because I didn’t really get a full restorative cycle. Damnit Janet!

What else? What can I possibly write about that is different?

I’ve literally been walking for 15 minutes listening to random music on shuffle. I have nothing to say.

So here are a few brief glimpses of what I’m thinking based on the music in my ears:

Lemonheads (insert any song from “Come on and Feel”): Reminds me about the better parts of my life in Vegas. 20 years old, laying outside by my apartment on the patio or at the pool playing super Mario or Tetris on my game boy. I must have listened to that album a gazillion times. The relentless sun warming my pale skin. Ignorant of the world and free from responsibility, it was a carefree, albeit fairly lonely time.

R.E.M. (any song): Elicits a strange mix of memories from both my ex husband and the maddest crush I had in HS, Scott. He doesn’t go by that name now. He’s used his middle name, Christian, for so long Most folks probably don’t know his real given first name. Last I heard he was a professor at Stanford. He had it all going for him in HS. The brains, the hair, the eyes, the shoes. When we were seniors I lived across the street from him. Yeah, serious wonder years kind of shit. I’m sure my journals from that time are full of fluff about that boy.

Both he and my ex were fans of REM and as such, I too became a fan. There are a lot of songs and bands I’ve liked in the past that I elect to skip now when they come up. But not R.E.M. I never skip them.

Blue October it depends on the song. Some of them are solid Joshua. Joshua the first time I fell for him. And oh the irony because he hated Blue October.

Yeah, I was reeled in by that guy twice. I don’t think there was music associated the second time around.

Arcade Fire: Is Jackson and the residency we spent in adjacent rooms, knocking on the wall good morning and good night. He would wander over to my room to nom on my snacks late in the day. That’s when he introduced me to the band.

He’s literally half my age and I just enjoyed listening to him talk. Partially for his enthusiasm and fresh ideas and partially because it reminded me how glad I’m not that age anymore.

Counting Crows: There’s a lot from this band that comes up but I don’t think I associate them with any person, place, or experience. Perhaps there are one or two songs that elicit certain thought, like Murder of One, which kind of reminds me of the end of my marriage. “You don’t want to waste tour life now darlin / change change change.”

And possibly that time near the end when my sisters and I did a road trip to Chicago to sight see and go to their concert. That was a fun weekend. Oh the stories.

Ohhhhh “Separate Lives” by Phil Collins is an interesting one. It reminds me of my parents and how I imagine their relationship would have been after their divorce. The male and female vocals, the conversational lyrics, and the hope at the end of the song that they would someday be “looking in each other’s eyes”. Probably projecting my own hope for my parents.

Maroon 5 belongs to Matt as do the Foo Fighters.

Sheryl Crow is also Vegas.

Dave Mathews is another strange mix, reminding me of both a guy I dated for a hot minute and an ex-boss who both were really into the band. The guy is a good guy that I’m still friends with on FB but I ended up hating my ex boss so much that I literally can’t listen to Dave Mathews without getting angry so I always skip those songs. Always. And I’m never getting over that.

Kelly Clarkson reminds me of watching American Idol. Haha.

Taylor Swift always makes me happy. Reminds me of my strength as an independent woman. There’s a few songs that remind me of Matt but mostly the power I found putting my life back together after our relationship ended and I was finally “Clean.”

Now I’m just fast forwarding through songs to see how long it takes for Jason Mraz to come up. There’s a point in my life I hijacked like every one of his songs off the inter-webs and my library literally has hundreds of songs from albums and live recordings. It’s an anomaly none has come up in the shuffle.

Upon further investigation, it appears that the music library on my phone currently has zero MR.AZ. This will have to be remedied in short order after my treadmill time is done. 

Jason, of course, reminds me of my friend Vis. As does David Ford and Death Cab for Cutie. All in the best ways. The one negative song. “Wish List” by Pearl Jam will forever be a scar on my brain from the night I realized he was truly going to pursue another girl over staying with me. My heart broke that night and kept on breaking for weeks. Years would go by before I could listen to that song again without getting upset. Strange how music has that kind of power over our minds.

I think that’s enough random shuffle memories for…. A long time! 😉 

No News is Good News.. I Guess, 🤷‍♀️
~Miss SugarCookie

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