The holiday has come and gone and I’m back to checking my to-do list. I know I’ve put too much on it and will not be able to get it all done.
I’m not sure if I need to pull back from life a little more or if my answer is to dive in and ensure every square inch of time is covered.
Life has been good to me lately and most days I’m looking forward to tomorrow. But something about it is not satisfying. I’m going through the motions. I’m checking things off but the sense of something empty inside does not subside.
I have a friend in town and we had a glorious day planned for yesterday but it all went to shit and I only got to see her for a short time. While it was good, I can’t shake the fact that it made me feel very unimportant. It’s not the first time with her.
I give people the benefit of doubt. I want to be understanding, but the constant creeping of self doubt in my head is hard to ignore. I know the circumstance behind their change of plans had nothing to do with me but by the third change in plan and cancelled dinner reservations (yes, I made not 1, not 2, but 3 different reservations that in the end all were cancelled), I didn’t even want to try and make any effort or scramble to cobble together alternate options. I was just done. And in a serious “fuck this day” mood.
Enter stage right, my darling husband who was excited about the cancelled plans because it meant we could enjoy date night, just us. Sweet, and I tried to let it lift my spirits up, but I felt like I was faking it. I was faking it.
I struggled all night watching the clock and going through the motions. Don’t get me wrong.. it’s all fabulous.. 7pm dinner.. 8pm hot tub.. 9pm sunset drive.. But I just wanted to speed time up so I could get to 10 pm and declare I was headed to bed. Be done with the day.
Today I had to get up early because Thursdays are our early days. Jim has a longer drive to a different office. He’s out the door by 7 and that means I’m ready to start my day by then too.
I’ve made my list and the day is rolling. I’m trying not to let yesterday’s mood bleed into today. I’m starting with steps and cardio and have high hopes for my productivity.
I guess we’ll see how it all unfolds.
With peace, love, and apple pie a la mode.. or whatever,