I’m really very tired of writing about the same things over and over and really wish I could get out of the funk that is, for all intents and purposes, self-inflicted. 

I’m also not sure what direction this particular piece of writing will go given the Rolodex of thoughts infesting my tired mind. 

In exactly two minutes I’m supposed to have a meeting with my “partner” at the GLR yet I made the choice to step down the stairs to my treadmill anyhow, totally expecting him to dip for the hundredth time. That’s just one thing on my mind. 

It feels like an 85/15 split with the actual work that gets done between us with me taking on the lion’s share. I do it because I care. I do it because I have higher standards than he does. I do it because I have no other choice (unless I want to cause huge drama by ousting him from his position). Make no mistake though, I don’t do it because I have more time or energy or feel my priorities are any less important than what he has going on. 

Who am I trying to convince? Myself as always. Yes, he has a young family and a full time job and I’m just a housewife and stay at home mom. I struggle because I used to have a career and know what it’s like to juggle everything on top of .. we’ll.. everything else. Good grief. But it seriously takes just as much time or more for me to do here, at this house, than what I eas spending at my day job.

My issue is working with someone who does a fraction of the work and does not follow through and still basks in taking credit. 

I spent hours on a proposal for the coordinator of our MFA program—toiled over the language for two potential internships and possible lectures we could give. I did all the work and then sent the email off, with attachments I’m sure my “partner” did not even read. Then one hot second after he (the coordinator) responds, my partner replies. 

I sometimes wait for days and weeks for feedback from him and often give up. But here we have something visible and public and he’s all over responding right away. That’s just rotten. 

I’ve complained to my closest peeps about this and they all say I need to have a talk with him. But I’m a chicken shit and I hate confrontation. 

I hate the way his Twitter handle has his title for the lit mag like he earned it. I hate Twitter too but that’s just beside the point. It’s all about appearances and I have to get over it. And get over social media too. 

I daydream about a world without social media and I daydream about a world where I never entered into this stupid partnership. I would not trade the experience and what I’ve learned for anything, I just wish it was an endeavor I initiated on my own and was the sole leader of. 

This gives me so much heartburn and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s a tricky pickle. 

It’s been exactly 20 minutes since I started writing and now… Now he’s finally ready for our 1pm call. I already told him, no zoom today so I have to get myself somewhere in the house where my phone has service (which is not in the basement). BRB

***

(One 30 minute call and a round trip to Papillion to pick my son up from school later)…

It’s all going to be fine. With each interaction with said person I’m learning how to be a more patient and understanding human. I’m also well aware that if I want specific things done, I need to ask pointedly and attach deadlines. It’s a much more diplomatic and reasonable approach than the solo takeover (or murder) that was playing out in my head earlier.

I tell myself that having another person at the helm with me means I’ve got someone to take the blame if something goes horribly wrong. Let’s hope it never comes to that.

I also have to remember he’s not being paid for any of his efforts either and I really have no insight into the rest of his life which could be just as messy as I feel like mine is.

In any case, thanks for reading and for understanding that I’m just a lonely human being lost in a sea of broken humanity. Most days I’m just trying hard not to drown. Most days this blog is a good way for me to work through how I’m feeling. Some days though, nothing really helps. That’s life. 

With peace and love and a dollop of understanding,

~Miss SugarCookie