2022-08-08 The Way a Heart Beats…


808… like a drum. 

For the past several weeks I’ve been feeling depressed. Not just sad or down, but a serious, “I have no desire to do the things that normally bring me joy” vibe.

I’m pretty sure people who are depressed don’t use the word “vibe” to describe how they are feeling but I’m not sure what else to call it. All weekend I kept thinking about it. Wondering why I’m so low. What’s wrong with me. And what I can do to snap out of it. 

I talked to Jim about it. Twice. I told Z about it. They are sympathetic but really don’t have anymore to suggest than to wait it out. Jim thinks that Z going back to Lincoln will change things again and I’m just really affected by change. He thinks I should wait until a few weeks into the school year and then if I still feel the same, maybe seek some professional advice. 

I shrug. Ok. 

Today I’ve felt slightly better, but can’t help but dwell. Is this what being bored feels like? 

Yesterday I googled “depression quiz” like I can diagnose myself with online quizzes. Like it’s the same thing as taking a Harry Potter house quiz. 

Yup. I put on the sorting hat and it told me I’m full hufflepuff and also 11 out of 21 on the depression scale. 11??!! 

What does half way even mean? A 4 or 7 would be like “it’s all in your head” and an 18 be like “seek help.” But 11? 

I’m just in no man’s land here. That middle zone that doesn’t know whether to cardio my way out or pick up my iPad and binge watch a sad show. Do I need a good cry? Do I need some meds? Do I need a hot night out with lots of booze, laughter, dancing, and sex? 

Probably. 

I’m making fun of this because I’m not sure what else to do. 

Here are my pain points: 

  1. I’m low energy.
  2. I’m bored.
  3. I’m sick of house chores.
  4. I’m easily irritated by stupid things and people.
  5. I have no desire to do what usually makes me happy.
  6. I’m unhappy with the way I look.
  7. I’m frustrated with my son.
  8. I’m sick of driving to CB to visit my parents.
  9. I can’t wait to go to bed every night. Like I’m so sick of just being awake.
  10. I’m bothered by mass consumption in a very unhealthy way,

I also have an unhealthy list making habit. And also, issues when I can’t find an even 10 things for said lists. 

I hate shopping but maybe I should try it. Just to see if something I used to hate is something I love now. But the thought of buying more stuff make me my ire about mass consumption flare. 

Maybe I’ll plan a vacation or clean out the garage? 

Maybe my husband will be home for lunch soon and we can eat together and chat. 

Am I lonely? 

I might be lonely. 

I’m sure I’m not lonely. 

I’m just an 11. That’s all. 

Peace, 

~Miss SugarCookie


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