It’s been a while again. I can’t say much has changed but let’s recap anyhow for the one or two random strangers who might be reading for the first time…
My writing is in the dumpster.
My self-worth hangs daily, by a thin, thin thread.
I’m not excited about much and the act of doing anything that brings me joy feels like a faraway daydream.
I’ve adopted a “wait a day and see if something changes” approach and to be fair, this does work because I have some bright days. On those days I think things must be changing for the better and I want to wish it to be true like blowing out the candles on a birthday cake at 10 years old… so much hope and promise for the future.
But then the next day arrives and I’m back to this. THIS eternal existential crisis about the meaning of life and my purpose in it. The dread of the to-do list. All that’s not working out and struggles that refuse to resolve. The feeling I’m not doing enough and letting everyone around me down.
That last part is a lie. I think I’ve successfully tightened the circle of people around me enough and maybe found the sweet spot for who to give a shit about and who not to give a shit about. Maybe.
My angst about the lit mag remains. I want so badly for it to take off and fly but don’t have the motivation to do anymore with it than I already am. I’d like to turn it all over to someone else.. the operational parts anyway, which might leave me open to pursue some of the things that would make it more of a success. Not quite sure how to do that, though, because it means giving up some measure of control and I’ve always had issues with that. Is also have to have someone else I can rely on, and I’m hopeful that’s happening but we’re just not there yet.
At this very moment, I’m procrastinating writing the “Editor’s Note” for the autumn issue. The issue is due at the end of October and I really have nothing to say. Everything to say and nothing to say.
My choices are this:
- Just nix the note completely.
- Copy the standard format and include little bits and pieces about my favorite things about this issue and all the changes in the team.
- Go totally off-script and tell the truth, personally and professionally. Not sure what that would look like exactly but probably not as professional as it should.
While typing this tiny little list, my brain wandered off in about a dozen different directions. In doing that, I feel like #2 s the way to go and I just need to dive in and do it.
Procrastination IS the worst and I’m my own worst enemy.
I know as I cardio and type and think and grumble internally, the day is just draining away, so I need to get on it.