Hi! Thanks for being here! Today’s Q&A is all about self discovery. 

Maybe you figured out what you wanted to do with your life at age 4 and have been enjoying the ride ever since. If that’s you, this post might not be helpful. For the other 8 billion of us, it might be worth the time. 

I know it certainly will be for me. I’m just cruising on my elliptical and working through an ongoing existential crisis. 

Ok, maybe “crisis” is a bit extreme for where I’m at in my life, but the existential part is definitely in play. For those who might be new, I’ve quit my career and put all my eggs in the “writer’s life” basket. But the writer’s journey is lonely and full of rejection so I’m at the “fuck that shit” precipice. Standing here and looking out at the horizon, I wonder what else is out there for me. 

What’s beyond that yellow brick road? 

I knew I was a writer at 11 or 12 and although I have a great affinity for it, it’s not what defines me. It’s just one of the puzzle pieces. I generally write when I need to, when I have something to say or something I’m trying to work through (like now) but I’ve also had long stretches of time when I didn’t write. From 1993 to 2008 I barely picked up a pen or touched a keyboard for journaling or poetry or anything for myself. That’s 15 years of “stasis.” 

I did journal about my pregnancies during that time, but that was largely an exercise in documenting that experience. Just the facts, you know, and no poems. Looking back, I sometimes wonder why I didn’t put more effort in, and a little part of me wishes I would have. I think of it as “lost time” but I was busy living my life, tending to my family, home, and career. There wasn’t much to say that was important. 

I wasn’t having an existential crisis. I had purpose and direction. Unlike now. 

As I attempt to unravel this new circumstance, I can’t help but think about what else I could be doing. I need to evoke my inner daydreamer and allow myself to see the possibilities. 

I like other arts and crafts besides writing and maybe I should invest time there, but will that be fulfilling? I could unearth all my buried scrap book materials and pick up documenting my kids’ lives where I left off in their elementary school days. But they have both graduated high school and the idea of sitting at a table looking at pictures from their childhood sounds terrible. I dunno why, I suppose that time has passed and I’m trying to look to the future. 

I could paint. I suck at it, but it could feel good to create something without worrying what other people might think about it. Or that it’s going to get endlessly rejected by the world at large. It can be whatever I want, right? That’s what I always tell myself about life. 

It can be whatever you want, you just have to decide what that is. Deciding is the tough part. 

What else? I could become a better cook or hone my woodworking skills. I could go on day trips and lay on the grass and read books. I could do more bike riding, walking, or put more effort into gardening here at the house. I could just exist and not worry what life is all about all the time. 

Yeah, I could release myself from the burden of worry and want and that would be a good start. Why does there have to be purpose and direction anyway? Maybe it’s enough to just enjoy waking each day without the stress of a job or expectations. 

There’s that daydreamer!! 

Hello, beautiful! Where have you been for so long??! 

And just like that, my time is up. 

Thanks for reading. 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie 

PS. Today’s song of the day is Yellow Brick Road originally by Elton John but my favorite version was recorded live by Sara Bareilles.

For that one time… “I finally decided my future lies / beyond the yellow brick road.”