Ok. Sometimes you just kinda gotta open up the shuffle to ALL the music in the music library. Maybe for you that’s the entirety of what Spotify, Amazon Music or Pandora have to offer. 

But just like opening Pandora’s box, you don’t know what will be released and the results can be wild and most certainly unpredictable. Kinda rolling the dice with chaos theory. 

Today, for me, it means Foo Fighters, White Stripes, Muse, Daft Punk, Perfect Circle, Cake, U2, Snow Patrol, and yeah, maybe some John Mayer and Adel. Quite an eclectic mix indeed but I’m looking for those feels… whatever the Universe decides to dish while I tackle the topic of addiction.  

Yes, today’s Q&A is about addiction. It’s about changing behaviors and breaking away from established patterns to free the mind and create space and time for other things. 

Addiction is a steep word but when it comes down to the mind and body and the struggle for control when there’s a strong pull or narrative in one direction, it’s all kind of the same. I might also say dependency, craving, habit, weakness compulsion, fixation. It all fits. 

A person can be addicted to coffee, alcohol, or other mood-altering substances that are consumed and absorbed into the body. When metabolized, they alter the mind, and whatever perceived benefit or feeling creates a want and need to return for more. 

I recognize that part of the process is dealing with withdrawal and the physical dependencies that form. A person can’t quit coffee cold turkey (well of course they can but not) without the caffeine withdrawal headache. I’ve tried countless times to quit caffeine and I’d rather just give my body what it’s asking for than suffer that headache. As a chronic migraine sufferer, a headache sometimes spells doom for a whole day if it turns into that, so I don’t give it that chance. 

I could write an entire suite of posts about headaches and the quest for relief, but that’s not where I want to go today. It’s supposed to be about how… HOW to quit when it’s easier not to. In this case, it’s a compulsion to submitting my writing to publishers. 

This is question #5 from my original set of six questions on what to do with my one precious life going forward: 

#5. How can I stop from sending so much work out for publication? It’s kind of an addiction right now and my typical go-to when I open my laptop to work on stuff.

I need to change my behavior and squash the desire in my mind. 

I’m sure this seems pretty ridiculous to some people. Why is this even an issue? In short, it’s an issue 1.) Because of the amount of time I spend  2.) Because it’s crazy (doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result) and 3.) I’ve hit my goal/limit and just shouldn’t need to keep doing it. 

Let me break that down a little more. 

I’ve spent hundreds of hours researching lit mags and publishers. Not just like, say, 2 hours a week but more like 10-15 hours a week. Some of that is research that benefits the journal I work for, but mostly it’s for the purpose of getting my individual poems published. It’s not a bad goal but also not healthy when it takes over the time I could spend writing, or being productive in other ways.. 

I’m a numbers nerd and need to pause to quantify all this, for the Full Monty of perspective. Over the past 4 years (with a small number going back to 2018), I’ve submitted poems and manuscripts over 1030 times. Last year, my average was more than one submission a day (404 submissions), and so far this year, it’s slightly less than that, 88 so far. And I currently have about 100 submissions that are under consideration at various places. All this adds up to a not so healthy fixation. 

When I open my laptop, I immediately gravitate towards checking my email, looking at lists of places to submit, and opening browser tabs for websites that have resources I use in the process. It’s crazy. Some people say it’s a numbers game and that it’s the best way, but at some point I crossed over a threshold that has contributed to my not being productive in other ways. Plus, the rejection does affect me. 

The numbers also contribute to my being able to brush off the rejection so easily. When I get that form letter, rejecting my work, I mostly just shrug and say “I’ve got 100 other things out there so it doesn’t matter.” That narrative is true in most cases and unless it’s something I’ve been hopeful about, it really doesn’t matter. Do I care if New Ohio Review publishes my poem? No, No I don’t care, as long as someone does, eventually, and eventually someone will. So I keep trying

On the other hand, do I care if Rattle publishes my poem? Yes, yes I care very much and wan’t for that to happen someday. So I keep trying. 

In both cases, I keep trying, and doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, they say, is the very definition of crazy. So I’m crazy. I don’t want to be crazy like this anymore. And I don’t need to be, because I’ve hit my limit. Both in submissions and in publications, as in, the poems I’ve published already.

I’ve exceeded my original expectations and goals, and shouldn’t need to publish more, unless it’s to one of those top tier places that might further boost my writing career. Unless it’s to Rattle, or Paris Review, The Sun, or Kenyon Review, or New England Review, or Threepenny, then “pffffft.” 

In total, I’ve had 74 poems, about three essays, and one small collection published. That includes most of the poems I wrote during my MFA (from 2018-2020). I have a small handful of new poems that I think are worthy, but most of my unpublished MFA poems are not likely candidates for those higher tier places. But I keep trying anyhow. Head, meet brickwall. 

All of this adds up to a need to stop. Stop beating my head against that wall. Stop the rejection train. Stop wasting time spinning in circles and jumping hoops. Enough is enough. But when it comes to addition, wanting to stop and actually doing that are two different things. 

How do I open my laptop and NOT go to that place? It’s so easy. When I sit down to write or work on my own writing, I’m often frustrated because it feels I don’t have it in me. I get sick of looking at the same things and also throw my hands up because there’s nothing new. Starting something new that I’m not excited about feels grueling. I want to be excited and inspired. At the very least, I want to feel productive. Submitting work has filled that need. 

I want people to read my work and I like acknowledgment even when it leads to rejection. I think that’s why when there are places, like Threepenny, who either respond in 24 hours or don’t respond at all I get grumpy. I know they didn’t read my work and wasted my time. 

There it is again… Time. It often comes down to time. How do I want to spend my time? The answer is not how I have been. I want to change my behaviors. And I’ve been successful doing that in the past so I just need to harness my inner stubbornness… inner strength and determination to resist. 

The answer to this question is easy to define and tougher to follow through on. But I believe I can do it. I’m going to challenge myself to NOT send anything out the rest of this month. 

Every time I get a rejection, I’ll just log it in my spreadsheet and stop there. 

Every time I open my laptop to work, I’ll not open those tabs and instead ill open my google drive of generative writing. 

Or not open my laptop at all. If I have free time, I’ll take a walk, or bike ride, or do something else. 

Can this work? We’ll see. Cold Turkey, Let’s go!!!! 🥶🦃✅ 🙃

I think that’s it for today’s Q&A. Whew… exhausting! 

If you got this far, thanks for reading 

Peace and Love, Always, 
~Miss SugarCookie