2017-03-19 I Can’t Escape Myself

Lot’s of drama and surprises this week and yesterday was another day I found myself trying really hard to hold back tears. It was Saturday and I did not have my kids so I had the whole day to myself to do whatever I wanted.

I woke up shortly after 7 and did some writing, which was really all about getting the thoughts out so they are not stuck in my head. Then I made a weekend to-do list so I could be super productive. I was thinking that if I kept my mind and body occupied on other things, there would be less of an opportunity for it to wander into the abyss.

I cleaned my kitchen and did dishes.
Then I made a cherry pie.
Then I vacuumed the entire house.
Then I picked up the sleepover stuff from the spare room.
Then I did laundry.
Then I watered all my houseplants.
Then I drove to get Taco Johns for lunch.
Then I took a nap.
Then I drove to help Josh with something.
Then I planted more spring bulbs.
Then I went shopping for new tennis shoes.
Then I went to a movie (Logan).
Then I went to walk and get my steps at the gym.
Then I went to sleep.

What did I discover? That I can get a ton of stuff done in one day when I put my mind to it and also that I can’t escape thinking about .. everything.

When I’m making a pie I’m reminded that Matt used to make pies and he was very much into doing that with as very little sugar as possible, sometimes just putting fruit only in the pie and that was it. Here I was using the store bought can of cherry pie filling which is loaded with high-fructose-corn syrup. And then I wondered why he had not responded to my reply to his email on Thursday.

When I’m vacuuming the house I can’t help but notice the things that are still here. Yes, I gave him back his clothes and books and random other things, but there were gifts he gave me. The chair that is my writing desk, my keyboard, a gaming chair in the basement, a keyboard in Coopers room, a CD we got at a concert he had signed by the band for me. So many reminders.

When I’m outside planting bulbs, I’m thinking that if this was our house, I would be doing this for us and he would value that and be impressed with my motivation to do it. He would also want to help, and I would not want that because I like to garden alone. It was always a point of friction.

When I’m shopping for shoes I’m questioning if I really need new tennis shoes. Don’t I have enough already? Am I only doing it because I’m trying to glean some satisfaction by buying things which can never fill the void of what I’ve lost? He would look down upon that. We were very much moving toward a minimalist lifestyle.

And when I was sitting all alone at the movie, as action packed as it was, my mind can’t help but connect the dots between Logan’s struggle to understand the purpose in life and that it’s about the people and experiences and letting go of hating it and being angry and shutting it all out to try and save yourself from pain. It was dark and there were emotional parts where I knew I would be safe from judgement and so I let the tears come.

Matt texted and emailed on Thursday and has not acknowledged my replies yet. He admitted to being sad, and I tried to send back a positive message, and 3 days and no reply. My mind wanders to a place where his is really not OK. Is he going through what I was going through last fall and the start of winter? I would not wish that on any other human being. I want to call to make sure he’s ok because I still love him and I still care, but I know it’s not my place anymore.

That’s tough and life is not fair. I’m struggling once again with not getting enough sleep. I have to try to take care of myself. For a while I think I am getting better and then I have a week like this week and I am reminded that there is no cut-and-dried end to a story. It does not matter if I got my ring back, I still have to face that after 5 years, what I thought was my future is no longer my future and both of us are suffering because of that. I can’t escape it, so I just have to figure out how to deal with it.

Sleep is a necessity and I have to fix that. I woke up at 4:22 AM and it is 5:14 now. I want to try and get a few more hours. I just hope I can shut my brain off.

Not Ready for Sunday Yet,
Miss SugarCookie

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