Quite some time ago, I promised my ex-husband I would take him to lunch. I don’t remember what the reason was but I typically don’t forget when I owe someone something or if I have made a promise. In the past few weeks he and I have had several conversation and he eluded to the fact he had something he wanted to talk to me about so I suggest we get lunch some day this week. I also offered to give him some vegetables from my garden which he gladly accepted. My harvest is overflowing right now and I have a surplus of tomato, zucchini, green peppers, and cucumbers. I’ve already processed lots of tomatoes and left some out of that for just these sorts of situations.
Today was our lunch. I’m already feeling very melancholy about being alone and more so because it is my birthday this weekend. I’ve off and on been on the verge of tears thinking about Matt and us and dating and how that’s a sucky road that goes to no-where and how I’m just sick of being alone. When he asked me how I was doing, I could not help but get emotional and then it sort of all just came out. The man knows a LOT about me. We were married for 17 years, so it stands to reason.
He felt bad for me, I am fairly certain. He went through the same thing after we were divorced and most of the time I was dating Matt so he totally gets where I am coming from. He had trials and errors in dating and talked a little bit about that as he was trying to relate to what I was saying.
He’s been dating the same girl for over a year now and she’s great. The kids like her and she seems like real “LTR” material. I’m happy for him that he’s not alone anymore because I would never want to wish this feeling I have been feeling on anyone. Even my ex. Still, relationships are hard too and it’s never all just rainbows and cream-puffs.
When we parted ways he gave me a hug and told me that he loved me. Of course, you never really stop loving someone even if you also hated them for one reason or another. I mean maybe some people can or do, but not him and not me either. I caught myself pulling a Han Solo and saying “Yeah, I know”.. and then recognized what I had just done and followed that by saying “I love you too”. He even kissed me on the cheek. That was unexpected.
Then I got in my car and drove away. Life is funny like that.
I wonder if I will hear from Matt on my Birthday. I wonder what he’s up to. I wonder if I will ever be able to get over feeling the way I do about us. Deep down, I don’t think my ex has ever gotten over the way he feels about me, so maybe it is possible that that stuff can just linger for years and years. Perhaps after several years go by we can meet again one day and talk about it.. you know, over lunch or something.
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