Ever since I went to the concert last night I feel like I’ve been on the edge of some really heavy emotions. I eluded to that in my post earlier today about not apologizing for feeling the way I do or sometime wearing my heart on my sleeve, as they say.
I wrote a little bit about the concert making me open the door to thoughts about Matt and once I did that, it all started to rush at me. About six months ago when I went to Austin, my friends there urged me to not have contact with him. They suggested that I unfriend him on social media and not have text or email. Doing all of that was tougher than I thought, but as of my trip with the kids in July, the last email was sent and never responded to. The door was closed.
Doing that allowed me to entertain the possibility of dating someone else. It allowed me to focus on other people and other relationships and damn, we broke up last September, so it was about time already. What I found when I started to do those other things, was that wasn’t going to be easy either. So what in this life IS easy, I wonder. Perhaps that is a question for a different day.
In any case, I just got tangled in a swirl of my own emotions today and was so overwhelmed by sadness that I bawled at that Ed Sheeran song, Photograph. I cried at that one at the concert last night and so when the gods of the iPhone music shuffle selected that for my listening pleasure today, I could not help but to break down all over again. Then I played it two more times in a row so I could just cry it all out because that is what I do. I want to feel like I have no more in me, like I have been emptied of the sadness. I do that with happy songs or dancing songs too sometimes, but mostly because I want to keep the dance party going and not be rid of it.
I can’t help but think about the fact that I could be at the start of a new relationship, which I have not written very much about yet. I’m comparing how I felt 6 years ago in September and it is so very different, the experiences I have had with this new person have so far been just about as polar opposite of those I had with Matt. With that being the case, I’m really questioning what shot this has of turning into something more long term. It feels like at every turn I am so uncertain and left wondering if this road that we have started to go down will hit a dead end in a month. I have no confidence and my self worth as value as a partner is (and has been) at an all time low.
I think I am pretty great, so it’s not a self esteem thing, it is more about equality and what I bring to the table. With Matt, that was clear from the very beginning and he acknowledged it. Right now, I’m not getting a lot of feedback and I think that is the one thing I need desperately to feel differently about the situation.
Matt was head-over-heals for me. He wanted me and pursued me and before we were parted, we were making plans to see each other again. Nothing left to wonder about there. So now I am experiencing something very different, yet I still have those same feelings. I still want to see him and when we are together I don’t want to leave. I’m just not getting much in return to indicate if he feels the same way or not. I’ve thought maybe I should just cool myself off a bit and see if he comes around without prompting, but that feels like a sort of game or tactic to me and I’m not about games. I like to be more straightforward. What I might do instead is just come out and ask him what he thinks.
I, in turn, need to be open and honest if the questions get turned back on me. I’m headed over to his house in a bit and wondering if today is the day to do that or if I should wait until I get back from Texas.
I’m going to Austin for a few days and I leave tomorrow. If I wait, I will not only get advice from some of my favorite people, but I will also have a fair amount of time alone to think about things. When I am there, there is not a lot of pull to exercise and since they have a family, there’s lots of kids stuff that pulls their attention away. I’ll have quiet moments to reflect and write and work out some of the things I have been feeling.
I leave tomorrow at 6AM, so it is highly likely there will not be any more words coming from Miss SugarCookie for at least a day.
Until We Meet Again,