Austin was lovely as usual and a nice change of pace and retreat from the normal SugarCookie life. But what is “normal” now days? It’s become highly focussed on health and well being with a heavy dose of doing all the things I want to do when I want to do them. Not a bad way to live.
I knew the kids would be walking to my house after school today, which meant essentially, that I had about another half a day free from all the mom duties. So I did the thing I wanted to do more than anything else.. I went to visit the person I have been dating. Of all the things I’ve been writing about, that one has been in my mind quite a lot but not yet made more than a mention or two on the page. I’m sort of wondering why that is.
Perhaps it is because I’m still somewhat holding my breath it is a real thing. Perhaps it was because I am attempting to be discrete out of respect for someone else’s privacy. Perhaps I just did not yet know what to say about it. Nothing about any of that has changed, and yet now I feel like I just need to say something about it. But what do you say when you don’t have the words and are still in such unfamiliar territory? I guess you take advice from Mr. Mayer and “Say What You Need to Say”.
When I left his house today I felt happy. I have been historically a happy person. I’m generally well liked, I think, and almost always try to be upbeat when around other people. This last year+ put me through hell and I became someone I did not recognize. I didn’t feel well, I didn’t feel joy, and I was very uncertain what the future would hold. As I was going through it, there were times I thought I may never feel my old self again. I thought the loneliness and heartache would go on and on without end. It was a horrible, desperate feeling.
So today when I got in my car to drive away and had a smile on my face and a glow emanating from my insides, I almost didn’t recognize it. As I stated I was, and still am, holding my breath for whatever happens next, but I’m starting to allow myself to acknowledge these positive feelings and be hopeful about whatever it is that is going to happen next.
I did write about a week ago regarding my uncertainty. That’s a thing that still exists, hence my references to “holding my breath”. However, with each interaction I feel more and more comfortable and trusting. Both of those are huge in my book.
From the very start, he was really easy to talk to and even as our topics have gotten more and more in-depth and sensitive, that has not changed. He’s very open and honest and seems to share a lot without me having to ask. This is such a good quality. In turn, this has made me more and more willing and able to share in return. I sometimes still struggle for the right words, because I’ve had my fair share of being nervous that I would say something and it would come out wrong, or that I would say something that would make me sound stupid. Even that has started to dissolve.
He’s intelligent both intellectually and emotionally. We have a similar outlook on health and exercise and eating well. He’s very fit and is very mindful of diet and actively seeking to better himself. This is right in line with where I am at right now, and truly where I have tried to be for many years. It’s refreshing to meet someone who seems willing to support making changes and improvements and trying new things. He’s picked up a book from the library, “The Four Hour Body” and is serious about trying to implement some of the things from the book.
I’ve enjoyed hanging out at his house, as it feels very natural to me there. He makes us coffee or tea and puts on good music and we talk. I’ve been over during the work day before and just sort of did my own thing while he worked and then we would take a break and go for a walk or bike ride. He’s cooked me several meals, which is a thing I could really get used to and of course I have had him over to my house and have cooked a few too.
We have gone “out” a few times, one night to play pool and have a drink and another for Sushi Sunday dinner downtown after which we sat on his couch and watched a movie, “The Last Samurai”. That was about two weeks ago I think.
When I arrived from Austin, I went straight to his place, which is closer to the airport than mine and we spent the rest of my “kid-free” time together until I had to be home to greet them. Which brings me to where this journal entry began, with me doing exactly what I wanted to do.
So now I have done what I wanted and said (some of) what needed to be said and am happy about being happy and having a very nice homecoming. Tomorrow will be officially back to “normal” for me.. whatever that means. 😉
Good To Be Home,