While I was dating Matt, he never seemed that interested in my writing. When I met him I already had my first two blogs. One was the original WordPress site which is still active today and houses all my “public worthy” creative writing. The second was my somewhat hidden tumblr account which was intended for the darker side of my thoughts. I say somewhat hidden because I used my same moniker and you could google that and find it.
I figured, if someone really was digging for shit on me, that meant they really cared. It didn’t matter to me why because it’s all just feelings and I’ve really got nothing to hide. Sort of.
In Matt’s case, we had a mutual friend, Josh. Josh and I had history, albeit one-sided. It was a one way infatuation and that was something I really didn’t think he needed to know about so that was the one time I went back and edited my words to conceal something. I probably didn’t need to.. I don’t think he ever looked for it or read it.
Though he did often question why I had multiple blogs. He could not understand the logic behind it. I explained that they were for different purposes and he just stuck to his guns on his viewpoint.
In 2014 I made a resolution to blog every day.. and created a third blog for that purpose. Hence, Miss SugarCookie was born. That truly was intended to be anonymous and so nothing about it was linked to my main blog, or name, or social media accounts. Not that it would have mattered.. it was all just day to day fluff and none of it really mattered.
After the fact I imported all 365 days worth of posts from Tumblr to WordPress and then linked it to my WordPress profile so it’s not really that anonymous anymore. I don’t think Matt ever read that one either. He just rolled his eyes when I said that I was creating another blog.
When we met for coffee a few weeks ago, we talked about my little HVAC adventure which he happens to know about purely from our sparse text conversations. He said “you should blog about that”. Really??!
So you wait unti it’s all just dust in the wind between us to encourage that.. or even show you have thoughts about it? In my head I was thinking “oh if you only knew”. Because, of course, I did blog all about it, and all kinds of other stuff too. Which gave me a huge pause. Omg .. what if he did know?
I know he doesn’t, but what if he did? This is all just my raw, unedited, thoughts and feelings and he’s obviously one of the characters in the story. As a very private person who doesn’t share much with anyone, he’d probably be beside himself if he knew.
Then again, I trust people to recognize there are two sides to every story. And details can be included or omitted to lead a person to one conclusion.
For example, I happen to know that when he first started dating his new girlfriend, he told her I broke up with him via email. That alone makes me seem cold-hearted. But if you provide the rest of the backstory it paints a different picture.
I’m guilty of this too, of course. I think it’s human nature to censor our words in order to make our point and sway someone in our favor.
I wasn’t blogging during train wreck season last year, but if I was, all my transgressions which were contributing factors to the dissolution of our relationship would have also been “revealed”. I did some things I was not proud of. I was emotionally driven, which is no excuse, but there are puzzle pieces to the story which I have chosen to not disclose. Maybe sometime I’ll double back and do that, but today is not the day.
One of the other things Matt suggested during our meeting was that I blog about cheeseburgers. So, even if he never cared that much about my writing, at least he gets me. 😜
I don’t think Simon gets me. In truth, I was leery of sharing too much because I was so unsure about what our relationship was or what it might be in the future. I’ve been in a holding pattern waiting to see where things were going. Now that I know it’s not going anywhere, it doesn’t really matter.
I’ve wanted to write more about all that, but it just never seemed to be my main focus which, in itself, is revealing.
He brought me cut flowers again on Christmas Eve. After all my other guests were gone, I told him I didn’t like cut flowers. I fell short of saying “if you read my poetry, you would know that.”. There’s no point in that now, is there.
Still, I think it will remain a good litmus test… the interest in the writing, that is, not the cut flowers.
He actually tried to convince me the longevity of these particular flowers might change my mind. This was half admirable and half folly. I guess I’ll just have to see how long they DO last and decide which side wins after that.
Ok.. that’s enough blogging about blogging for one day.
Happy Hump Day!